How Many Times till I Completely Let Go?

This is an email I sent to my mother:

"(My ex) got online last night and we started talking. Eventually he busted out with his typical "are you here yet"s. I told him he would be shocked when I actually showed. He said he wouldn't and was now going out to the garage and would be waiting. I told him I would think about it. So I went outside to pray and asked God to put a heavy conviction on me if He didn't want me to go. I waited and from that prayer all the way to (my ex's) house I felt pretty confident. I get there...knock on the garage...his window...even the front door. Nothing. Sure enough I felt like a complete fool as I walked back to my car. 

When I got home I sent him a message (he wasn't online anymore) telling him what I had just done and that I felt like a jackass for doing it.

This morning he wakes me with a message saying he is so sorry and did wait for a little bit, but thought he was being silly thinking I would actually show and went on to bed. I didn't, after all tell him I was coming. So being the forgiving and understanding (and possibly stupid) me I told him I've been there too and no big. I light heartedly told him he owed me for gas money, though I wasn't joking and told him I wanted him to cook for me or buy me food. He said there was nothing in the house, not even bread and anything they had he ate last night. I told him I was serious. Then he says "all this talk is making me want to smoke. brb" 

While he's gone I told him to think of another way to repay me then. Then I offered to supply the goods if he put forth the effort to prepare them... 30 minutes passed and he never came back to his computer. I said "Dude. Really? You're going on thirty minutes. I get the feeling you don't take me too seriously." A few seconds after that IM his name changes to "Offline." 

So being my (hopelessly) optimistic self at first I think "Okay, well maybe his computer is acting up and kicked him off (earlier in our conversation his name kept going on and offline). So I wait....nothing...then I think, okay, perhaps, maybe, possibly he asked his uncle to borrow his truck to come surprise me! or borrowed his mom's car! or maybe even called his friend up who is holding his truck for him to go get his truck to come see me on his own!!.....he wouldn't do this to me...would he...?.....?...

"Desiree`, Desiree`, Desiree`...really??" 

His last message was received at 9:53am and he has not come back online nor showed over here. "Desiree`" I say to myself or perhaps it was the Lords' voice "Just let go."

I sent him this message a few minutes ago:

"Move on with your life. Have a Merry Christmas and I will say a prayer for you. Maybe I'll see you around some day."

and the subject line is titled "its over".

I'm going to wait a little longer till I delete him from my friends list for good because I want him to see my latest status' because it brings the blame on him. I don't want there to be any confusion.

I keep sitting here thinking 'Well, maybe he just laid down and fell back asleep! After all, he apparently didn't get much since he woke up around 9am!' then I think 'Do I really want to give time to a guy who thinks so little of me that he can't even keep himself awake long enough to make things right with yet another disappointment on his part?'

So. That's that. For a while I was speechless and although my feelings were hurt I felt generally jaded. He's pulled so much on me that I practically expect him to let me down every time. And that's why I didn't want to talk earlier. I had so many thoughts battling in my head I didn't want to talk to anyone just then..

I don't understand why God didn't convict my heart into not going over there in the first place. Perhaps He wanted to reveal further to me how I just need to stay away from this self-centered person because in fact he is the only thing he is thinking of right now. And his "love" for me if it's not a complete fraud will certainly never be enough, never ever be enough."

- Desiree` Magee

"Come As You Are" (and the Misconception that Tends to Follow)

There is a common misconception in some believers and even non-believers in regards to God’s offer to “come as you are.” The reality of this statement seems often lost to the world around us (and even among us) and it is accepted as a false comfort to a non-change agenda instead of taken by it’s whole meaning. Though God does tell us we may come to Him as we are - sinful in nature - there is a follow-up message and requirement He also gives which is a call to be transformed, to change from the sinful creature you once were, and be restored in Him.
　 This invitation to ‘come as you are’ is so often misunderstood by some to mean “you‘re beautiful the way you are.” Yes, through a worldly point of view this unconditional acceptance gives the warm and fuzzies. But this invite was not meant as a self loving statement, but an expression to those who may feel they are not worthy to come to Him because of what they have done and where they have been. The Lord is simply saying “Come to Me, because I love you no matter what you’ve done - now let’s make it better.” That means change. There is a condition for coming to Him and that price is that we let go of the sinful behavior we had - no matter how bad or little - and open ourselves to be made new. It requires change. It’s natural for us to shy away from something that actually requires us to do something.


Grace Calls for Change
　 The sacrifice of Jesus Christ opened the door to grace - God‘s grace. Grace is the act of forgiving a debt.
In the English language there are several definitions of grace that stem out from a core meaning which is simply pleasant. But Theology aside, here are the basic definitions of grace:

grace
–noun
1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favor or good will.
4. a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school. 5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
6. favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
7. an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses.

Here are just a few Bible verses regarding the grace given though Jesus‘ sacrifice:

Ephesians 4:7 But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift. (gift being His sacrifice on the cross)

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast. (because Jesus earned it for us on His own.)

1 Peter 4:10 As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. (this is a 'do unto others' type of statement - show others the grace God showed you.)

With the sacrifice of Christ came the assurance that God would forgive our transgressions (sins) should we come to Him (“as you are“) in repentance (acknowledging our sinfulness) and turn from our old ways (this means to change).

Romans 6:1-3 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning (“as you are“) so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? (this is a call to be changed)

Romans 6:10-12 The death He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin (be changed) but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign (this means to turn from sin - “as you are”) in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation (changed!); the old has gone (“as you are”), the new has come!

Each of these verses call for the believer to be changed to something better. Staying as you are is not acceptable.

So you may be saying now “Okay, so I sin, right, but I like who I am! And my friends and family like who I am!” This rebuttal is understandable if you don’t understand the real change being demanded. It’s not a change of person - it is a change of heart and yes - there is a difference. Your person is your personality, your traits, your characteristics. Your heart is your sense of right and wrong, your motives, your soul. God cares much for the whole package that is you, but His main focus is where your heart is in all of it. He comforts you to “come as you are” - in sin - to be transformed in heart to know better, respond better, and receive Him better.

How can a believer come into the family of God and rebuke the idea of change to stay “as they are“? Does one go into the disciplined army to remain a rebel? Does one go to college to come out knowing nothing more than he did when he went in? Does someone purchase a ticket to see a movie to stay in the bathroom during the show? No! So why would anyone think Christianity any different? The idea is to go in expecting and desiring to learn, experience, to form, to mold yourself, to become greater, to achieve more, to be successful in the field - to further evolve from the person they were. Note: evolve means to develop. Develop means to grow or expand and they all mean -- get this -- to change! Though not of this world like so many avenues of this world faith in Christ - Christianity - requires a willingness to be changed or else it just doesn’t work like it‘s supposed to. Yes, God loves you “as you are”, and He wants you to come to Him in order to perfect that same person He loves, to make better, to lift the real you up, to polish you, to make your beauty stand out even more - This requires an openness to be perfected by correction of errors sin has placed in you.

In the words of Dr. Tony Evans,

　 “God says to come as you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay that way.”

　 - Desiree` Magee　

What's Wrong with Horoscopes?

Please see blog here:  http://www.myspace.com/eerised_the_indigo/blog/541185949

 

- DM

Searching

What is happening to me?

I’ve come to realize it’s not a question of if, but when you’ll return

You’re like a soldier at war that I wait upon

And my heart grows more bitter as you love me and leave

I regret meeting you, but where would I be if I hadn’t?

How could you have such an impact on my heart?

My grudge increases at the thought of the strain you’ve put on my soul

Bringing this anxiety I feel not knowing when I’ll see you again

And it seems it’s all for your own pleasure

As you count the days and you scheme your ways

Why do you want to torture me like this?

I’m the one who promised you everything, but you just couldn’t take it

It seems clear you don’t want me so why do you keep coming back?

It couldn’t be me, so what is it you’re searching for?

- Desiree' Magee

My "It" of Patron

It's a painless stab that seduces my heart
It's a tool that pulls my healing wound apart
It's the secret place I want to be
Even when I think of what it's done to me
It's a hollow feeling late at night
Throwing anxiety to my mind and sight
It's a trick that towers over my mind
It's a scam to suck my love and time
It's a demon that whispers in my ear
Telling me to open and let it near
It's the reason I went out late last night
Though I returned with my heart still heavy, not light
It's a continuous knock on my bedroom door
While I tremble beneathe the covers knowing it wants more-
of me and all I have to give
So I move towards it across the room
Wishing I could tell it what I long to
While tightening the locks and guarding the alarm
I go to my knees and grab my right arm
But I see the shadow on the otherside
Knowing the product of my "it" has arrived..
As minimal time has passed me by
I realise I'm left alone so I
Make my way to my heart-bedroom door
Disguarding my chamber I venture out toward
Where the object of my passion and fear earlier stood
I study the perimeter to make sure it's secured
And I find myself alone with little out of place
I gaze in the mirror to find not relief on my face
But the all too familiar expression of dispair
With that feeling of wanting to take my it there
But I sit alone confused and...what else?
I find my words few and my descriptions are scarce.
It woke me this morning around 10 AM
I tried to fall back, but my heart's stricken
I don't know how to feel, what to do, or what to say
So I ask the Lord to take my it away
But I don't think He will and I'm not sure why
Now all that's left is to live the same life
It seems I must be lacking in my jar
I feel I should keep running, but will I get far?
It's one thing to feel it late at night in my bed
But now it's returned to loom over my head.

- Desiree' Magee

Watch the Door

Do you think it doesn't hurt…?

Or am I a solid rock in your eyes?

Flooding a page, but what’s missing is mine

Or maybe I’m not missed at all.

Either way I won’t show in here or out there

Because I’m calling shots now.

I just wanted you to know I know where you’ll be

But you won’t see me.

And I hope you’ll keep watching the door.

In the event you might look for me I just wanted you to know.

 

- Desiree' Magee

A Guide of 29 Don't Do's for Mr. Right

Because of this you’ll never lay claim to the rebuttal: “Well, Woman I can’t read your mind!”

1. Don’t call me “Dez“. Really it’s just not appreciated. We’re on a more personal, formal, and intimate relationship plane here. Let’s keep it that way.

　

2. On a related note: Don’t opt to call me by my first name, not even jokingly. Yes, it is the genesis of my full birth name. It is, however not my reference name. Such name is my mothers reference name and it suits her just fine.

　

3. Don’t come in the kitchen while I’m cooking. No one gets away with this offense and you‘re no exception. You may be lookin; good, but I’m working here!…Okay, one kiss. Now get out.

　

4. Don’t leave your hair of any kind around the sink. Really, that’s just gross.

　

5. Don’t walk around the house with your shoes on. Not only does it track in unnecessary dirt, but it damages the carpet. And smooshed carpet is just unattractive.

　

6. Don’t mess with the volume knob on my car radio. Really, don’t even reach for it. That knob is set for a reason. If you have something to say and would like my full attention kindly address it with me. If I don’t seem to hear you take the big orange flag from the back seat and wave it in a circular fashion until I notice. Make sure you don’t wave it in an up and down position, though because I may mistake that for the sign “Hey, this music is awesome! Crank it up!”

　

7. Don’t bring your own music in my car with the assumption I will agree to let you play it. Ask me long before we get in the car. Normally I don’t like anything playing in my car that I have not personally suggested, but you might just be cute enough for me to bend this one time.

　

8. Don’t assume. Really, who appreciates this? If you have an issue, a question, a concern, a…misunderstanding…just bring it up with me. Let’s not make things more difficult, huh? Even if you don’t think I’ll listen it is your job to address your own issues. It is my job to listen.

　

9. Don’t shut me out when you don’t like what you’re hearing. Really, I mean I have opinions and feelings too. You know how many things you have possibly shared with me that I didn’t shut down even though I knew you were wrong? Open communication is key - not land-slide agreements.

　

10. Don’t give me honesty unless I ask for it. Me saying “Do you like this dress on me?” is NOT the same as saying “Tell me the truth - Do you like this dress on me?” If I want your honest opinion - trust me - I will flat out, straight up ask for it. No tricks here.

　

11. Don’t insult my cooking or really any house-hold chore where I display diligent effort. Really, this goes hand-in-hand with the honesty thing. You may be surprised to find that psychology is not always so varied from woman to woman, man to man. Don’t dis psychology.

　

12. Don’t look into any more or less than the words I am speaking to you. I pride myself in being very simple, to the point, careful, and fair with how I express my feelings or concerns. I understand ‘you’re a man‘ and how ‘something’s you’ll never understand about the complexity that is my gender,’ but trust me - I don’t play guessing games and you’ll rarely if ever hear me scream “If you really loved me you would just know!!” before slamming the door in your face like a dramatic made-for-tv-teen.

　

13. Don’t hang up on me. Really, what’re you, a man or a adolescent girl in grammar school? Let’s handle things like adults here.

　

14. Don’t replace communication with me or God with alcohol or any other kind of substance, legal or not due to a rough match or argument. It’s not becoming of anyone and shows a great lack in your God-given ability to deal with issues head-on great or small.

　

15. Related; Don’t mistake me for Jesus. Really, I know I’m awesome, but I should not be number 1 on your list of fulfillment. Believe me I can rock your world by God’s grant alone. But I am human. Don’t forget that.

　

16. Don’t casually spit in my presence. Really, it’s just uncouth.

　

17. Don’t disregard me as a traditional woman. Chivalry is dead to the jerks that kill it. Yes, I expect you to open that door, yes I will notice if you don’t pull out that chair, and indeed I will take note of every foul word from your mouth that you speak in my acknowledged hearing distance. And don’t worry about my end; I got this and I assure you won’t be disappointed ;)

　

19. Don’t be a know-it-all or competitor. Really, I can’t stand people like that and I’ll especially cringe if my guy always tries to one-up me. This isn’t a sporting event and obviously you’ve already won me over so who are you showing off for? Lighten up.

　

20. Don’t be a mooch. Okay so maybe you lost your job. It’ll be okay sweetie pie honey bun…Tonight I rub your shoulders and cook you a nice meal. Meanwhile you better get out that door tomorrow or the next day and get back to work. Life goes on; so should you.

　

21. Don’t confuse your being an ass for “honesty.” I know a lot of you guys wanna get away with saying certain things or not being coerced into saying certain things, but seriously; is it going to absolutely destroy the very core of your manliness by simply replying politely when I ask your conflicting opinion regarding something I care about? Sure, you may have a separate opinion. Don’t disregard mine with cool dismissal.

　

22. Don’t leave the toilet seat up. Seriously, this is a given with near to any woman. And it’s not that I lack the common sense to look before I sit therefore making myself victim to a toilet dive, but that it simply looks distasteful.

　

23. Don’t cling to me in the morning. Hooray for cuddling!, but mornings are tough for me and you’re not paint.

　

24. Whatacatch Meal (the sandwich), w/ all the vegetables (pickles, onions, lettuce, & tomato.), sweet tea. This isn’t a ‘Don’t’, I just thought I’d thrown it in here. Remember it.

　

25. Don’t get your boxers in a bunch; I like to wrestle and I get rough. Yea, sure like a puppy pulling on a big dogs ear I know you could take me down, but humor me here.

　

26. Don’t avoid my eyes. Dating, in a relationship, small talk, an argument, a deep conversation…whatever it may be don’t avoid looking into my eyes.

　

27. Don’t leave me in silent anticipation. It really does not feel good.

　

28. Don’t cause me to feel like I’m alone. Always remind me that you’re there, even if things between us are rough at the time.

　

And finally:

　

29. Life happens, tempers flare, disagreements come up, time-outs will be needed, understanding will at times lack, thoughts may become self-centered, there will be faults, and there will be down sides. But Don’t break my heart.

　

- Desiree' Magee