The truth is I'm not happy. I wake up everyday with a cloud over my heart. I'm lonely. I wish I did have a man put his arms around me and to love me with all his heart as long as he is one I can fully love back. I wish he was there when I wake up. I wish he sent messages to my phone late at night. I wish the reason I drag myself out of bed and walk into work late, was because I was out too late with him.
I'm bored. Unmoved and uninspired. I don't feel like doing anything.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
A Blatant Truth
So it seems there's a lot of hurting going around lately and some people stewing it their hurt. For this I have some well meant, but stern words to share on this:
I wish people would realize Who they need to turn to when things go dark and that NOTHING and NO ONE in this world is going to make you happy. Contrary to POPULAR HUMAN BELIEF we were NOT made to a accommodate this world, so quit acting like that's going to change in any way, shape, or form for you, for anyone. Some seemingly harsh words, but it is what it is and people need to deal with that.
And this is directed largely at all you who intend to take on this world on your own (AKA Non-Believers) but most of you Christian's would do well to listen in as well:
Following Christ on this earth (AKA being a Christian while living in the world) isn't about being happy-go-lucky all the time and having life come so great. Life is going to suck no matter what god, fad, or idol you follow. But unlike the offers of other gods, fads, and idols following Christ grants you multipal privilages such as to have His spiritual support and relief on a personal level late at night in your bedroom in the dark in times when you need His help the most to help you get through the tunnel, because FYI this IS just a tunnel, you know - there IS another side of it and you better wake up and get on the only narrow track before the tunnel loses light and quit crying about how nothing on this earth satisfies the hunger that WASN'T MEANT to be fed by it.
Inclosing; these statements:
Being a Christian doesn't elliminate the pain and hard times in your life; it helps you to cope with it while you're here and HAVE to deal it it. But only if you use it correctly.
- Desiree` Magee
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Music and Imagination
I was swinging and I wondered if Ireland's wilderness' look anything similar to the hills in the park. I thought of the movie "P.S. I Love You" and how he has fallen in love with her almost immediately. How sweet.
"I'll be a while...ain't goin' no where, said I'll be a while..."
After I jumped off the swing I walked toward the biggest hill in the park. It didn't take long to reach the top
"We kissed that night before I left, still now it was something I could never forget..."
Once on top I looked over the park and was delighted to realize how high up I really was. The wind started to blow my hair around and it was a moving feeling.
"Looking at all or nothing, babe it's you and I...I know that I'm good for something, so let's go give it a try..."
I decided to take a stroll over the others hills and followed a path others had made in the grass over time.
"Did you open the shop? Yes. Are you Joe? Yea. You are Joe! The one and only! The one and only Joe..."
I decided to turn back toward the biggest hill. Where to now?, I thought. Oh!, the slide, yes. Toward the slide I made my way.
"It's no good, no good...to be, to be...alone....alooone..."
I climbed the ladder and looked over the park and from where I had just come. I recalled the last time I had seated myself at the top of this ladder and the picture I had taken of the ground below with my cell phone then.
"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality..."
Perhaps Rik was right; all the Queen voices are studio-birthed.
I got a second shot of the ground below, but this time with my rainbow converse peeking from the bottom of the photo. I settled there for a little bit, gazing patiently over the park, but eventually climbed back down to make my way over the the jungle gym.
"Mama! Oooooh! I don't wanna die! I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!"
I thought of work and of my day. I had not too long before been at evening service in the church I grew up in and decided to visit this park. It had been a while. I reached the jungle gym.
"I see a little silhouetto of a man, scaramouche`! Scaramouche`! Will you do the Fandango!"
I faced the biggest hill again. I wondered if there is an occult meaning in the words I was hearing. It wouldn't be the first time I had thought of it.
"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die?"
How wonderful would it be, I began thinking if my band made it a point to take on huge songs to cover that no one else touched. But would it be wise?, after all creating original music is a priority now.
"Nothing really matters...to me...anyway the wind blows..."
I skipped over a few tracks on my iPod and hopped down from the jungle gym. The biggest hill made me feel nice, I'd like to try it again. But then, no I thought. I've been there. I should go somewhere I haven't been.
"Ooo, ooo, oooo. Ooo, ooo, oooo. Ooo, ooo, ooooOOoo..."
An orchestra played Epona's Song from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and I thought of Malon, how she said her mother had composed the tune. Then I thought of the game on a larger scale, how I missed it and how my outlook on my imagination would be different if I hadn't discovered the land of Hyrule, and how even as a young adult...I still wish I could somehow go there...
"Oo-oo-oo-oo-ooOOoo-OOooooOOoooo"
I was then coming upon the ditch I had so often driven by and told myself I would venture around some day and yes, there I was. I looked down as the ditch narrowed to the concrete stream and, how ironic! that I began to see the river entrance leading to Zora's Domain in Hyrule Field. It took me a while to figure that part out..
"Praise to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...Our God and our King, to Him we will sing..."
I found a side walk and thought how interesting it was that the city had placed a former walking space near a ditch!, how unexpected! But as I continued on I noticed that this drainage ditch was a little different from others. I followed the concrete path and crossed the bridge it made there to connect the two sides over the water. I wished it had been raining so the water would have been higher. In my imagination it was flowing freely, I was dressed as a maiden, and I wasn't alone.
"Children of God, sing your song and rejoice! For the love that He has given us all!"
I wanted to fly. I felt God's Spirit moving around me as I ventured. Nothing mattered. Nothing needed to matter. I was just going on a walk. He and I were walking along.
The side walk made another connection, because I was now at a three-way point in the ditch. I crossed this second foot bridge.
"Great is the love that the Father has given us...He has delivered us...He has delivered us!"
I came to this area that gave me a wonderful thought; When I have children I will say "What do you see here?" and when they say "We see a ditch." I will say "I see a river. Don't you see a river here?" I will speak their language or I will teach them my own.
"We are the saints, we are the children, we've been redeemed, we've been forgiven..."
I followed the path back the way I came.
"Wandering child, so lost, so helpless. Yearning for my guidance..."
I thought of the only person I could then. For once it wasn't an unpleasant thought. Mostly I was just over whelmed with the rediscovery of my imagination although I do miss the opera. Raul was about to fight the Phantom when suddenly--
"Lovers in the long grass, look above them, only they can see where the clouds are going..."
Ah, yes. I can never say no to Enya while she so captures my heart, but instead "not now".
I saw another hill I hadn't yet climbed, skipped over a few tracks, and began walking toward it.
".........Don't... Stop..."
I returned to the ditch and walked alongside it going the opposite direction. I again wished it had been raining at least before I had gotten here. But a more predominate thought was this: What a nice place to walk with my love some day.
The further I walked I began to feel God's Spirit encouraging me to keep imagining things. So I began to look anywhere and ask myself "What do you see?"
"So the world goes round and round with all you ever knew. They say the sky high above is Caribbean blue..."
The atmosphere had become much dimmer since the time I arrived at the park and I knew it would be time to leave soon. When I walked through a small tunnel where the ditch turned a different direction I found myself walking through a French or Italian city passage way. I thought I would have a way out, but the tall grass there encouraged me to think that turning back might be a more wise idea.
Eventually I made my way up above the ditch.
"Angel eyes, I really love you so...angel eyes, I'll never let you go...because I love you, my darling angel
eyes..."
That would be nice to hear. But just then the orchestra strings brought in the Hyrule Field Theme and again I felt that familiar heart leap-drop of wishing I could go back, go there, or both. Maybe I should ask for a Nintendo 64 controller for my birthday so I can play my favorite game again some day.
I ended my journey on the swing beside the one I began my even with and facing the opposite side of the park. "I don't like facing this side," I told myself. But I felt God saying "Try it out. Use what you see. What do you really see?"
"Jesus...worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and man..."
I saw four trees with some space between them. It became a clearing where two lovers stood.
"-and all the world will praise Your great Name...Oh, You're great Name..."
Then the clearing became the Garden of Gethsemine.
I saw a circle in the ground made up of concrete. I'm not sure what it was before, but I saw a medieval shooting range for archers.
"Redeemer, my Healer, You are mighty! My Savior, Defender, You are my King..."
As the song was coming to a close I knew it was time I headed home. Before I touched the ground I thought when I have children and they are old enough to speak their minds clearly and I see them playing I will ask them "What do you see? Tell me what you see in your head right now." I recalled memories of my own childhood when I saw an enchanted place, but I knew I couldn't share it with anyone and no one asked." Maybe if my mother had joined me in the rain gutter when I played with my toys I would have been able to feel that someone saw what I could see in my head... I stopped the swing and began walking toward my car.
"C'mon on, Barbie, let's go party! I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie world...Life in plastic, it's fantastic!"
- Desiree` Magee
"I'll be a while...ain't goin' no where, said I'll be a while..."
After I jumped off the swing I walked toward the biggest hill in the park. It didn't take long to reach the top
"We kissed that night before I left, still now it was something I could never forget..."
Once on top I looked over the park and was delighted to realize how high up I really was. The wind started to blow my hair around and it was a moving feeling.
"Looking at all or nothing, babe it's you and I...I know that I'm good for something, so let's go give it a try..."
I decided to take a stroll over the others hills and followed a path others had made in the grass over time.
"Did you open the shop? Yes. Are you Joe? Yea. You are Joe! The one and only! The one and only Joe..."
I decided to turn back toward the biggest hill. Where to now?, I thought. Oh!, the slide, yes. Toward the slide I made my way.
"It's no good, no good...to be, to be...alone....alooone..."
I climbed the ladder and looked over the park and from where I had just come. I recalled the last time I had seated myself at the top of this ladder and the picture I had taken of the ground below with my cell phone then.
"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality..."
Perhaps Rik was right; all the Queen voices are studio-birthed.
I got a second shot of the ground below, but this time with my rainbow converse peeking from the bottom of the photo. I settled there for a little bit, gazing patiently over the park, but eventually climbed back down to make my way over the the jungle gym.
"Mama! Oooooh! I don't wanna die! I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!"
I thought of work and of my day. I had not too long before been at evening service in the church I grew up in and decided to visit this park. It had been a while. I reached the jungle gym.
"I see a little silhouetto of a man, scaramouche`! Scaramouche`! Will you do the Fandango!"
I faced the biggest hill again. I wondered if there is an occult meaning in the words I was hearing. It wouldn't be the first time I had thought of it.
"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die?"
How wonderful would it be, I began thinking if my band made it a point to take on huge songs to cover that no one else touched. But would it be wise?, after all creating original music is a priority now.
"Nothing really matters...to me...anyway the wind blows..."
I skipped over a few tracks on my iPod and hopped down from the jungle gym. The biggest hill made me feel nice, I'd like to try it again. But then, no I thought. I've been there. I should go somewhere I haven't been.
"Ooo, ooo, oooo. Ooo, ooo, oooo. Ooo, ooo, ooooOOoo..."
An orchestra played Epona's Song from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and I thought of Malon, how she said her mother had composed the tune. Then I thought of the game on a larger scale, how I missed it and how my outlook on my imagination would be different if I hadn't discovered the land of Hyrule, and how even as a young adult...I still wish I could somehow go there...
"Oo-oo-oo-oo-ooOOoo-OOooooOOoooo"
I was then coming upon the ditch I had so often driven by and told myself I would venture around some day and yes, there I was. I looked down as the ditch narrowed to the concrete stream and, how ironic! that I began to see the river entrance leading to Zora's Domain in Hyrule Field. It took me a while to figure that part out..
"Praise to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...Our God and our King, to Him we will sing..."
I found a side walk and thought how interesting it was that the city had placed a former walking space near a ditch!, how unexpected! But as I continued on I noticed that this drainage ditch was a little different from others. I followed the concrete path and crossed the bridge it made there to connect the two sides over the water. I wished it had been raining so the water would have been higher. In my imagination it was flowing freely, I was dressed as a maiden, and I wasn't alone.
"Children of God, sing your song and rejoice! For the love that He has given us all!"
I wanted to fly. I felt God's Spirit moving around me as I ventured. Nothing mattered. Nothing needed to matter. I was just going on a walk. He and I were walking along.
The side walk made another connection, because I was now at a three-way point in the ditch. I crossed this second foot bridge.
"Great is the love that the Father has given us...He has delivered us...He has delivered us!"
I came to this area that gave me a wonderful thought; When I have children I will say "What do you see here?" and when they say "We see a ditch." I will say "I see a river. Don't you see a river here?" I will speak their language or I will teach them my own.
"We are the saints, we are the children, we've been redeemed, we've been forgiven..."
I followed the path back the way I came.
"Wandering child, so lost, so helpless. Yearning for my guidance..."
I thought of the only person I could then. For once it wasn't an unpleasant thought. Mostly I was just over whelmed with the rediscovery of my imagination although I do miss the opera. Raul was about to fight the Phantom when suddenly--
"Lovers in the long grass, look above them, only they can see where the clouds are going..."
Ah, yes. I can never say no to Enya while she so captures my heart, but instead "not now".
I saw another hill I hadn't yet climbed, skipped over a few tracks, and began walking toward it.
".........Don't... Stop..."
I returned to the ditch and walked alongside it going the opposite direction. I again wished it had been raining at least before I had gotten here. But a more predominate thought was this: What a nice place to walk with my love some day.
The further I walked I began to feel God's Spirit encouraging me to keep imagining things. So I began to look anywhere and ask myself "What do you see?"
"So the world goes round and round with all you ever knew. They say the sky high above is Caribbean blue..."
The atmosphere had become much dimmer since the time I arrived at the park and I knew it would be time to leave soon. When I walked through a small tunnel where the ditch turned a different direction I found myself walking through a French or Italian city passage way. I thought I would have a way out, but the tall grass there encouraged me to think that turning back might be a more wise idea.
Eventually I made my way up above the ditch.
"Angel eyes, I really love you so...angel eyes, I'll never let you go...because I love you, my darling angel
eyes..."
That would be nice to hear. But just then the orchestra strings brought in the Hyrule Field Theme and again I felt that familiar heart leap-drop of wishing I could go back, go there, or both. Maybe I should ask for a Nintendo 64 controller for my birthday so I can play my favorite game again some day.
I ended my journey on the swing beside the one I began my even with and facing the opposite side of the park. "I don't like facing this side," I told myself. But I felt God saying "Try it out. Use what you see. What do you really see?"
"Jesus...worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and man..."
I saw four trees with some space between them. It became a clearing where two lovers stood.
"-and all the world will praise Your great Name...Oh, You're great Name..."
Then the clearing became the Garden of Gethsemine.
I saw a circle in the ground made up of concrete. I'm not sure what it was before, but I saw a medieval shooting range for archers.
"Redeemer, my Healer, You are mighty! My Savior, Defender, You are my King..."
As the song was coming to a close I knew it was time I headed home. Before I touched the ground I thought when I have children and they are old enough to speak their minds clearly and I see them playing I will ask them "What do you see? Tell me what you see in your head right now." I recalled memories of my own childhood when I saw an enchanted place, but I knew I couldn't share it with anyone and no one asked." Maybe if my mother had joined me in the rain gutter when I played with my toys I would have been able to feel that someone saw what I could see in my head... I stopped the swing and began walking toward my car.
"C'mon on, Barbie, let's go party! I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie world...Life in plastic, it's fantastic!"
- Desiree` Magee
Saturday, May 7, 2011
On Post
I was sitting at home reading over the news
It seems the state’s passed a new bill
That a woman seeking to abort her child
Must first have a sonogram revealed
I read a comment a woman had made
“This is stupid and a waste of our tax dollars”
It angered my heart so that a person could see
The possibility of saving a life as a bother
It’s times like this when I need you the most
We’re a dying breed, baby you and me both
When this night watch goes on and I become weary
I long for a partner to help me guard our post
I walked to the store to run an errand
It was just a short trip I figured ‘why drive?’
As I stood in line I noticed someone’s shirt
That said “CHRISTIANS TO THE LIONS”
It troubled my heart on my walk back home
I wondered how I could ever reach those people
How can I assure them of Who Christ truly is
In a world so consumed in evil?
It’s times like this when I need you the most
We’re a dying breed, baby you and me both
When this night watch goes on and I become weary
I long for a partner to help me guard our post
It seems to me there’s so much to do
I know in my heart I won’t have much strength in this battle
If I’m not fighting it with you
There are people to love and lives to change
And though I’m only one person
I know my God will see to it
That I’ll be used for His purpose
And when you come, my love I know
There will be nothing to stop us from flying
Together we’ll fight against the spirits of this world
Hand in hand we’ll help those who are dying
It’s times like then when we’ll need God the most
We’re a dying breed, baby and we need Him you know
When our night watch goes on and we become weary
It’s He who will forever guard our post
- Desiree` Magee
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Whole
Hold your gear as if it were me, as if it were my body and soul within your hands
Make love to me with music.
But first.
Tell me;
Would you caress the strings if it weren't what moved you?
You don't play it just for fun, and don't play it because it only feels good.
Only take your instrument and express what you feel it inside...
Now take me in your arms, my body and my soul
If you don't feel what music does to you
Than have patience, learn to be in love me...
Or let me go.
Because unless I first mean much more to you
I will never give you my whole.
- Desiree` Magee
Make love to me with music.
But first.
Tell me;
Would you caress the strings if it weren't what moved you?
Would you tune the pegs if it wasn't part of your soul?
Would you run your fingers up and down the neck if it wasn't your breathe you were in and exhaling
And would you delicately lie down every note and rhythm if your very existence did not live for it?
You don't play it just for fun, and don't play it because it only feels good.
Only take your instrument and express what you feel it inside...
Now take me in your arms, my body and my soul
If you don't feel what music does to you
Than have patience, learn to be in love me...
Or let me go.
Because unless I first mean much more to you
I will never give you my whole.
- Desiree` Magee
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The Floor
I see him, I can see him now
And it's getting better...
When I thought he went away
I laid on the floor
My heart felt ill
While I lay on the floor
For a while you had asked for my attention
Patience was there while I played coy
But my thoughts did remember you again
And now that I'm listening,
What will you do now?
The floor planted a seed in my heart
I won't say I'm not concerned;
I'm concerned
I want my heart to float away
For once I don't want to think at all
And now I'm hoping I have your attention
Patience is not a strength of mine
For now I wish you'd hear me calling
And come to me, because I want to see
I don't want to lie on the floor
Perhaps my heart is running again
But just maybe it's more and you're listening...
So now that I have your attention
What should I do now?
I've given in and put down my guard
And what will you do now with my heart?
What will you do now?
What will you do now?
- Desiree` Magee
And it's getting better...
When I thought he went away
I laid on the floor
My heart felt ill
While I lay on the floor
For a while you had asked for my attention
Patience was there while I played coy
But my thoughts did remember you again
And now that I'm listening,
What will you do now?
The floor planted a seed in my heart
I won't say I'm not concerned;
I'm concerned
I want my heart to float away
For once I don't want to think at all
And now I'm hoping I have your attention
Patience is not a strength of mine
For now I wish you'd hear me calling
And come to me, because I want to see
I don't want to lie on the floor
Perhaps my heart is running again
But just maybe it's more and you're listening...
So now that I have your attention
What should I do now?
I've given in and put down my guard
And what will you do now with my heart?
What will you do now?
What will you do now?
- Desiree` Magee
Friday, January 21, 2011
More Evil
Is it okay if I'm a little scared?
Things I've never known are rising
I wonder if I'd been better off in the dark
But would I draw closer to You?
No, let me see
More evil
Who will save me from the New Love?
You will.
There won't be a hero and there won't be an awakening
So help me to be calm and try to understand
No matter what he'll do to me I'll remain in Your hand.
What if I find him to have him taken?
Who knows when demonic plans will unfold
Relying on You I have to keep it together
I know in these times I'll draw closer to You
So, let me see
More evil
- Desiree` Magee
Things I've never known are rising
I wonder if I'd been better off in the dark
But would I draw closer to You?
No, let me see
More evil
Who will save me from the New Love?
You will.
There won't be a hero and there won't be an awakening
So help me to be calm and try to understand
No matter what he'll do to me I'll remain in Your hand.
What if I find him to have him taken?
Who knows when demonic plans will unfold
Relying on You I have to keep it together
I know in these times I'll draw closer to You
So, let me see
More evil
- Desiree` Magee
Sunday, January 9, 2011
How to say it simple enough...
Leave me alone.
Let me live my life
Quit coming back to stir these emotions in me,
You’ve broken my heart over and over
Why must I keep forgiving you?
It’s over; leave it alone
Just let me go, let me be happy
You make my heart sad
Why must you keep coming back just to hurt me all over again?
Why do you want to stir up these feelings that never died?
That isn’t love, if you loved me you would realize what you’re doing to me every time you come back
It’s over; go away and “live” your “life”
I choose to live real Life
I want to live the Life you rejected because you can’t see It
I want to feel alive, I don’t want to be like you
I tried to help you, but… *the phone rings and it's you...*
So leave me alone, because you are asleep
I don’t want to be a prisoner just because you held my heart for a time
I wish you well, but I don’t want your updates now
I don’t want to know you are here
Quit moving in on my wounded heart, the very heart you made this way
You’re selfish, so selfish and you know you’re wrong
So let me breathe, let me live, if you really love me just let me go
Let me alone so I can find the man you couldn’t be to me.
- Desiree` Magee
A few Things I've learned From Mr. Not-the-one-for-me.
Just because he’s your first doesn’t mean he’s your only.
Just because you’d sacrifice for him doesn’t mean he would for you.
Just because he talks pretty doesn’t mean he is.
Just because you try so hard to ’get’ him doesn’t mean he’ll try to ‘get’ you.
Just because he says he wants or needs you doesn’t mean he truly does.
Just because he says “I love you” doesn’t mean he understands it.
Just because he stays with you all night doesn’t mean he’ll be there for life.
Just because he swept you off your feet doesn’t mean he won’t put your back down.
Just because he talks about being married doesn’t mean you will be.
Just because he talks a good talk doesn’t mean he’ll walk a good walk.
Just because he says he’ll catch you when you fall doesn’t mean he will.
Just because he sweet-talks while thinking you won’t leave him doesn’t mean his words are true.
Just because he says he tosses and turns when you aren’t with him doesn’t mean he actually does.
And just because he says “I’m the one” doesn’t mean he is.
- Desiree` Magee
Recording
I was just lying here listening to my old mini cassette tapes from when I was 12 years of age. I was reluctant to write this and in truth I still am, because I think it just re-hit me how deep who I am really is. It seems every day I am getting by and I’ve forgotten that feeling I used to have where I longed to document every moment of my life in photos, videos, recordings, writings, and drawings, I so wanted to make my person a dent in some form, something to be delved into, something to be remembered, though I never felt like I would leave. And I think I just remembered how much I still long to be awesome. All ‘ace’ jokes aside I truly do still feel that longing in my heart to truly stand out as something great if even to one individual, to be discovered with joy, to be looked into as if I was the most important thing on earth to them, a child perhaps, maybe my own, or just someone who took great admiration for me and turned it into a journey to discover me to my core. To review the recordings of my girl-child days when I was so often alone in my room, but so care free and entertained in my world of fluent imagination, to gaze upon my drawings from the time I first started drawing to the most recent drawing as each told a story, each had something to say about it, to read my writings from my first story in 5th grade to my darker poems of a broken hearted high school girl and unto the recorded struggles of my young adult love life and almost desperate intellectual essays on my faith that has so grown over the years and evolved into my own, and to look upon videos that visually illustrated the girl who’s voice you can hear over her tapes, who’s hands and heart wrote every word I have written, the face of al the photos I took alone or with friends… and I realize…I may never have anyone in the world who will completely long to know me right to my very core. Sure, I’ll find a man who I’ll marry and who will treasure me, but I’m not so assured that he will long to desperately capture every inch of who I am from the time I began to explore my own imagination to the time we met. The truth is, and I say this with the most honest heart possible and all conceit aside, I really do think I am awesome. I’ve always felt like I had so much to share and there was so much I wanted people to understand and see as I understood and saw. I’ve always wanted someone to pull completely into my world, to submerge them in the fantasy realm and imagination and creativity I’ve seen… Sometimes it seemed so beautiful in my world and I felt lonely would I realized no one seemed to understand what I could see. How did I lose that..? How did I become a typical adult going day to day, how did I forget how cool I am? Sure, I talk about being the ‘ace’ and how good of a woman I will be to the right man (and often the wrong men) but in retrospect how did I forget my fantasy world? But the real question is do I really want to remember it? Because if I do I will eventually come to rediscover that no one else can or will…experience it with me, no one will understand how I see…Being so different from people…it’s great really, but…it can get lonely, because people so often won’t see it through my eyes. So am I blessed or cursed to be so…different..? I sang on a stage at 6 years of age in church. I was alone in my room with Veggie Tales songs and my fathers’ tape recorder. I played Link as I battled the evil forces in Hyrule and later reenacted my own stories with these and many other characters with my best friend Hope at church or at Ms. Linda’s. I sat in the Kaffie Middle school library during lunch reading a tale that fascinated me. I got ahold of my parent’s camera and began a series of video tapes first at the age of 11 onto 17. I was sitting at a high school desk drawing sad pictures and writing sad poems of the loss of my first love. Then there seemed to be a gap as I went to work and simply came home for about a year of so. Suddenly I’m on a stage in an abundantly form fitting dress and stiletto heels performing classic songs I never even thought of before, men suddenly adoring me when all through my schooling years I was rarely noticed if ever that. All these stages and so many more were all beacons to say “Creative!” and now, here I sit, hoping so that the recent guitarist I’ve added to my life will create something with me to further my adventure of creativity through this earthly realm. The last time I remember being happy day by day was when although alone I was 15. My heart had never been broken, I didn’t know real pain or true emotion, I had so much at my disposal being too young to work, I was still a child and as long as I had something to document that I was happy. Michael Jackson and Zelda were my life. I had drawn a box full of memories, stories, or cartoonish depictions of events that had actually occurred in my family or friend life, and my recording material was flourishing. And just like that I realize I really have not changed so much. My hair has changed in dramatic ways. My heart has been broken and I have been in love. And my heart has been mended and I personally decided to meet with Jesus. But other than that there is virtually nothing new under my sun. I am still following the same path I did before, only the recordings are less silly, more serious. I write poetry, lyrics. I write essays. I sing songs in public view. My name is known by more people now than it has ever been known. Goodnight Avenue exposed me to a world that I have never known before. Men now seem to notice and appreciate me. At work I am attracting and known. Among my close friends I am the key that seems to hold the sphere together. Suddenly I’ve achieved a recognition that I never had before as a teenage girl or even a young woman at 20. I have had three important males in my life, all of which were not made for me. I have had a relationship with a man in a position I never dreamed I would have any kind of relationship with. And I have been involved with someone who was once my manager at work. I am adored when before I was barely noticed, and I am pursued although none of whom have and do pursue me are likely my matches. Everything is so different now, yet I am still that same 10 year old girl wearing those same blue shorts, with the sheep shirt from Travis Baptist, same socks bunched up, sitting on my bean bag in the corner of my room while listening to Veggie Tales and recording my dialogue into my recorder. I remember for a good two weeks or so that image being in my head was the happiest thing on earth to me. At times I couldn’t wait to get home from Ella Barnes Elementary just to run up the stairs and sit on my bean bag alone with my recorder and felt Larry the cucumber. But perhaps my oldest memory of a partner after my brother got too old to hang with lil’ sis was Scaley- my felt snake. I must have made at least 5 of him after losing the original. I made him in Children’s Church Sunday morning. Little did my creative arts Sunday school teacher know she was introducing to me an almost life-long childhood companion that morning. That is what used to be the world to me, a little felt snake with google eyes and coke can tabs to adorn his tale. All these memories seem to be just flooding back to me, all because I couldn’t sleep and decided to listen to only a few minutes of a mini tape I recorded as a 12 year old girl. And I can’t help, but wonder…when did I stop talking to myself? When did I forget that I have often been the best company I have kept? And when did Link become simply a memory instead of my first and last thought as a girl going through puberty? When did I forget the importance it was to carefully document every part of my life even though I’ll probably be the only one to ever care? What will happen to all my recordings audio, visual, pictures, writings, and drawings when I leave this world? Will the Lord truly not let me take them with me? Because although I know He was always there and is the only One who knows every desire my heart ever had to share myself with everyone I’d sure love to go through everything with Him anyway. Because I know He’ll be fascinated and at last my wish, the very reason I have kept all these things that tell the story of who Desiree` Magee is and was will not have been wished and hoped for in vain.
- Desiree` Magee, age 23
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