I Don't Like This

The truth is I'm not happy. I wake up everyday with a cloud over my heart. I'm lonely. I wish I did have a man put his arms around me and to love me with all his heart as long as he is one I can fully love back. I wish he was there when I wake up. I wish he sent messages to my phone late at night. I wish the reason I drag myself out of bed and walk into work late, was because I was out too late with him.

I'm bored. Unmoved and uninspired. I don't feel like doing anything.

A Blatant Truth

So it seems there's a lot of hurting going around lately and some people stewing it their hurt. For this I have some well meant, but stern words to share on this:

I wish people would realize Who they need to turn to when things go dark and that NOTHING and NO ONE in this world is going to make you happy. Contrary to POPULAR HUMAN BELIEF we were NOT made to a accommodate this world, so quit acting like that's going to change in any way, shape, or form for you, for anyone. Some seemingly harsh words, but it is what it is and people need to deal with that.

And this is directed largely at all you who intend to take on this world on your own (AKA Non-Believers) but most of you Christian's would do well to listen in as well:

Following Christ on this earth (AKA being a Christian while living in the world) isn't about being happy-go-lucky all the time and having life come so great. Life is going to suck no matter what god, fad, or idol you follow. But unlike the offers of other gods, fads, and idols following Christ grants you multipal privilages such as to have His spiritual support and relief on a personal level late at night in your bedroom in the dark in times when you need His help the most to help you get through the tunnel, because FYI this IS just a tunnel, you know - there IS another side of it and you better wake up and get on the only narrow track before the tunnel loses light and quit crying about how nothing on this earth satisfies the hunger that WASN'T MEANT to be fed by it.

Inclosing; these statements:

Being a Christian doesn't elliminate the pain and hard times in your life; it helps you to cope with it while you're here and HAVE to deal it it. But only if you use it correctly.

- Desiree` Magee

Music and Imagination

I was swinging and I wondered if Ireland's wilderness' look anything similar to the hills in the park. I thought of the movie "P.S. I Love You" and how he has fallen in love with her almost immediately. How sweet.

"I'll be a while...ain't goin' no where, said I'll be a while..."

After I jumped off the swing I walked toward the biggest hill in the park. It didn't take long to reach the top


"We kissed that night before I left, still now it was something I could never forget..."

Once on top I looked over the park and was delighted to realize how high up I really was. The wind started to blow my hair around and it was a moving feeling.

"Looking at all or nothing, babe it's you and I...I know that I'm good for something, so let's go give it a try..."

I decided to take a stroll over the others hills and followed a path others had made in the grass over time.


"Did you open the shop? Yes. Are you Joe? Yea. You are Joe! The one and only! The one and only Joe..."

I decided to turn back toward the biggest hill. Where to now?, I thought. Oh!, the slide, yes. Toward the slide I made my way.


"It's no good, no good...to be, to be...alone....alooone..."

I climbed the ladder and looked over the park and from where I had just come. I recalled the last time I had seated myself at the top of this ladder and the picture I had taken of the ground below with my cell phone then.


"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality..."

Perhaps Rik was right; all the Queen voices are studio-birthed.
I got a second shot of the ground below, but this time with my rainbow converse peeking from the bottom of the photo. I settled there for a little bit, gazing patiently over the park, but eventually climbed back down to make my way over the the jungle gym.


"Mama! Oooooh! I don't wanna die! I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!"

I thought of work and of my day. I had not too long before been at evening service in the church I grew up in and decided to visit this park. It had been a while. I reached the jungle gym.

"I see a little silhouetto of a man, scaramouche`! Scaramouche`! Will you do the Fandango!"

I faced the biggest hill again. I wondered if there is an occult meaning in the words I was hearing. It wouldn't be the first time I had thought of it.

"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die?"

How wonderful would it be, I began thinking if my band made it a point to take on huge songs to cover that no one else touched. But would it be wise?, after all creating original music is a priority now.


"Nothing really matters...to me...anyway the wind blows..."

I skipped over a few tracks on my iPod and hopped down from the jungle gym. The biggest hill made me feel nice, I'd like to try it again. But then, no I thought. I've been there. I should go somewhere I haven't been.


"Ooo, ooo, oooo. Ooo, ooo, oooo. Ooo, ooo, ooooOOoo..."

An orchestra played Epona's Song from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and I thought of Malon, how she said her mother had composed the tune. Then I thought of the game on a larger scale, how I missed it and how my outlook on my imagination would be different if I hadn't discovered the land of Hyrule, and how even as a young adult...I still wish I could somehow go there...


"Oo-oo-oo-oo-ooOOoo-OOooooOOoooo"

I was then coming upon the ditch I had so often driven by and told myself I would venture around some day and yes, there I was. I looked down as the ditch narrowed to the concrete stream and, how ironic! that I began to see the river entrance leading to Zora's Domain in Hyrule Field. It took me a while to figure that part out..

"Praise to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...Our God and our King, to Him we will sing..."

I found a side walk and thought how interesting it was that the city had placed a former walking space near a ditch!, how unexpected! But as I continued on I noticed that this drainage ditch was a little different from others. I followed the concrete path and crossed the bridge it made there to connect the two sides over the water. I wished it had been raining so the water would have been higher. In my imagination it was flowing freely, I was dressed as a maiden, and I wasn't alone.


"Children of God, sing your song and rejoice! For the love that He has given us all!"

I wanted to fly. I felt God's Spirit moving around me as I ventured. Nothing mattered. Nothing needed to matter. I was just going on a walk. He and I were walking along.
The side walk made another connection, because I was now at a three-way point in the ditch. I crossed this second foot bridge.


"Great is the love that the Father has given us...He has delivered us...He has delivered us!"

I came to this area that gave me a wonderful thought; When I have children I will say "What do you see here?" and when they say "We see a ditch." I will say "I see a river. Don't you see a river here?" I will speak their language or I will teach them my own.


"We are the saints, we are the children, we've been redeemed, we've been forgiven..."

I followed the path back the way I came.


"Wandering child, so lost, so helpless. Yearning for my guidance..."

I thought of the only person I could then. For once it wasn't an unpleasant thought. Mostly I was just over whelmed with the rediscovery of my imagination although I do miss the opera. Raul was about to fight the Phantom when suddenly--


"Lovers in the long grass, look above them, only they can see where the clouds are going..."

Ah, yes. I can never say no to Enya while she so captures my heart, but instead "not now".
I saw another hill I hadn't yet climbed, skipped over a few tracks, and began walking toward it.


".........Don't... Stop..."

I returned to the ditch and walked alongside it going the opposite direction. I again wished it had been raining at least before I had gotten here. But a more predominate thought was this: What a nice place to walk with my love some day.
The further I walked I began to feel God's Spirit encouraging me to keep imagining things. So I began to look anywhere and ask myself "What do you see?"

"So the world goes round and round with all you ever knew. They say the sky high above is Caribbean blue..."

The atmosphere had become much dimmer since the time I arrived at the park and I knew it would be time to leave soon. When I walked through a small tunnel where the ditch turned a different direction I found myself walking through a French or Italian city passage way. I thought I would have a way out, but the tall grass there encouraged me to think that turning back might be a more wise idea.
Eventually I made my way up above the ditch.

"Angel eyes, I really love you so...angel eyes, I'll never let you go...because I love you, my darling angel 
eyes..."

That would be nice to hear. But just then the orchestra strings brought in the Hyrule Field Theme and again I felt that familiar heart leap-drop of wishing I could go back, go there, or both. Maybe I should ask for a Nintendo 64 controller for my birthday so I can play my favorite game again some day.
I ended my journey on the swing beside the one I began my even with and facing the opposite side of the park. "I don't like facing this side," I told myself. But I felt God saying "Try it out. Use what you see. What do you really see?"


"Jesus...worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and man..."

I saw four trees with some space between them. It became a clearing where two lovers stood.


"-and all the world will praise Your great Name...Oh, You're great Name..."

Then the clearing became the Garden of Gethsemine.
I saw a circle in the ground made up of concrete. I'm not sure what it was before, but I saw a medieval shooting range for archers.


"Redeemer, my Healer, You are mighty! My Savior, Defender, You are my King..."

As the song was coming to a close I knew it was time I headed home. Before I touched the ground I thought when I have children and they are old enough to speak their minds clearly and I see them playing I will ask them "What do you see? Tell me what you see in your head right now." I recalled memories of my own childhood when I saw an enchanted place, but I knew I couldn't share it with anyone and no one asked." Maybe if my mother had joined me in the rain gutter when I played with my toys I would have been able to feel that someone saw what I could see in my head... I stopped the swing and began walking toward my car.


"C'mon on, Barbie, let's go party! I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie world...Life in plastic, it's fantastic!"

- Desiree` Magee

On Post

I was sitting at home reading over the news

It seems the state’s passed a new bill

That a woman seeking to abort her child

Must first have a sonogram revealed

I read a comment a woman had made

“This is stupid and a waste of our tax dollars”

It angered my heart so that a person could see

The possibility of saving a life as a bother

It’s times like this when I need you the most

We’re a dying breed, baby you and me both

When this night watch goes on and I become weary

I long for a partner to help me guard our post

I walked to the store to run an errand

It was just a short trip I figured ‘why drive?’

As I stood in line I noticed someone’s shirt

That said “CHRISTIANS TO THE LIONS”

It troubled my heart on my walk back home

I wondered how I could ever reach those people

How can I assure them of Who Christ truly is

In a world so consumed in evil?

It’s times like this when I need you the most

We’re a dying breed, baby you and me both

When this night watch goes on and I become weary

I long for a partner to help me guard our post

It seems to me there’s so much to do

I know in my heart I won’t have much strength in this battle

If I’m not fighting it with you

There are people to love and lives to change

And though I’m only one person

I know my God will see to it

That I’ll be used for His purpose

And when you come, my love I know

There will be nothing to stop us from flying

Together we’ll fight against the spirits of this world

Hand in hand we’ll help those who are dying

It’s times like then when we’ll need God the most

We’re a dying breed, baby and we need Him you know

When our night watch goes on and we become weary

It’s He who will forever guard our post

-          Desiree` Magee

My Whole

Hold your gear as if it were me, as if it were my body and soul within your hands
Make love to me with music.

But first.

Tell me;

Would you caress the strings if it weren't what moved you?

Would you tune the pegs if it wasn't part of your soul?

Would you run your fingers up and down the neck if it wasn't your breathe you were in and exhaling

And would you delicately lie down every note and rhythm if your very existence did not live for it?

You don't play it just for fun, and don't play it because it only feels good.
Only take your instrument and express what you feel it inside...

Now take me in your arms, my body and my soul
If you don't feel what music does to you
Than have patience, learn to be in love me...

Or let me go.

Because unless I first mean much more to you
I will never give you my whole.

- Desiree` Magee

The Floor

I see him, I can see him now
And it's getting better...

When I thought he went away
I laid on the floor
My heart felt ill
While I lay on the floor

For a while you had asked for my attention
Patience was there while I played coy
But my thoughts did remember you again
And now that I'm listening,
What will you do now?

The floor planted a seed in my heart
I won't say I'm not concerned;
I'm concerned
I want my heart to float away
For once I don't want to think at all

And now I'm hoping I have your attention
Patience is not a strength of mine
For now I wish you'd hear me calling
And come to me, because I want to see
I don't want to lie on the floor
Perhaps my heart is running again
But just maybe it's more and you're listening...
So now that I have your attention
What should I do now?

I've given in and put down my guard
And what will you do now with my heart?
What will you do now?
What will you do now?

- Desiree` Magee

More Evil

Is it okay if I'm a little scared?
Things I've never known are rising
I wonder if I'd been better off in the dark
But would I draw closer to You?
No, let me see

More evil
Who will save me from the New Love?
You will.
There won't be a hero and there won't be an awakening
So help me to be calm and try to understand
No matter what he'll do to me I'll remain in Your hand.

What if I find him to have him taken?
Who knows when demonic plans will unfold
Relying on You I have to keep it together
I know in these times I'll draw closer to You
So, let me see

More evil

- Desiree` Magee

How to say it simple enough...

Leave me alone.

Let me live my life

Quit coming back to stir these emotions in me,

You’ve broken my heart over and over

Why must I keep forgiving you?

It’s over; leave it alone

Just let me go, let me be happy

You make my heart sad

Why must you keep coming back just to hurt me all over again?

Why do you want to stir up these feelings that never died?

That isn’t love, if you loved me you would realize what you’re doing to me every time you come back

It’s over; go away and “live” your “life”

I choose to live real Life

I want to live the Life you rejected because you can’t see It

I want to feel alive, I don’t want to be like you

I tried to help you, but… *the phone rings and it's you...*

So leave me alone, because you are asleep

I don’t want to be a prisoner just because you held my heart for a time

I wish you well, but I don’t want your updates now

I don’t want to know you are here

Quit moving in on my wounded heart, the very heart you made this way

You’re selfish, so selfish and you know you’re wrong

So let me breathe, let me live, if you really love me just let me go

Let me alone so I can find the man you couldn’t be to me.

- Desiree` Magee

A few Things I've learned From Mr. Not-the-one-for-me.

Just because he’s your first doesn’t mean he’s your only.

Just because you’d sacrifice for him doesn’t mean he would for you.

Just because he talks pretty doesn’t mean he is.

Just because you try so hard to ’get’ him doesn’t mean he’ll try to ‘get’ you.

Just because he says he wants or needs you doesn’t mean he truly does.

Just because he says “I love you” doesn’t mean he understands it.

Just because he stays with you all night doesn’t mean he’ll be there for life.

Just because he swept you off your feet doesn’t mean he won’t put your back down.

Just because he talks about being married doesn’t mean you will be.

Just because he talks a good talk doesn’t mean he’ll walk a good walk.

Just because he says he’ll catch you when you fall doesn’t mean he will.

Just because he sweet-talks while thinking you won’t leave him doesn’t mean his words are true.

Just because he says he tosses and turns when you aren’t with him doesn’t mean he actually does.

And just because he says “I’m the one” doesn’t mean he is.

- Desiree` Magee

Recording

I was just lying here listening to my old mini cassette tapes from when I was 12 years of age. I was reluctant to write this and in truth I still am, because I think it just re-hit me how deep who I am really is. It seems every day I am getting by and I’ve forgotten that feeling I used to have where I longed to document every moment of my life in photos, videos, recordings, writings, and drawings, I so wanted to make my person a dent in some form, something to be delved into, something to be remembered, though I never felt like I would leave. And I think I just remembered how much I still long to be awesome. All ‘ace’ jokes aside I truly do still feel that longing in my heart to truly stand out as something great if even to one individual, to be discovered with joy, to be looked into as if I was the most important thing on earth to them, a child perhaps, maybe my own, or just someone who took great admiration for me and turned it into a journey to discover me to my core. To review the recordings of my girl-child days when I was so often alone in my room, but so care free and entertained in my world of fluent imagination, to gaze upon my drawings from the time I first started drawing to the most recent drawing as each told a story, each had something to say about it, to read my writings from my first story in 5^th grade to my darker poems of a broken hearted high school girl and unto the recorded struggles of my young adult love life and almost desperate intellectual essays on my faith that has so grown over the years and evolved into my own, and to look upon videos that visually illustrated the girl who’s voice you can hear over her tapes, who’s hands and heart wrote every word I have written, the face of al the photos I took alone or with friends… and I realize…I may never have anyone in the world who will completely long to know me right to my very core. Sure, I’ll find a man who I’ll marry and who will treasure me, but I’m not so assured that he will long to desperately capture every inch of who I am from the time I began to explore my own imagination to the time we met. The truth is, and I say this with the most honest heart possible and all conceit aside, I really do think I am awesome. I’ve always felt like I had so much to share and there was so much I wanted people to understand and see as I understood and saw. I’ve always wanted someone to pull completely into my world, to submerge them in the fantasy realm and imagination and creativity I’ve seen… Sometimes it seemed so beautiful in my world and I felt lonely would I realized no one seemed to understand what I could see. How did I lose that..? How did I become a typical adult going day to day, how did I forget how cool I am? Sure, I talk about being the ‘ace’ and how good of a woman I will be to the right man (and often the wrong men) but in retrospect how did I forget my fantasy world? But the real question is do I really want to remember it? Because if I do I will eventually come to rediscover that no one else can or will…experience it with me, no one will understand how I see…Being so different from people…it’s great really, but…it can get lonely, because people so often won’t see it through my eyes. So am I blessed or cursed to be so…different..? I sang on a stage at 6 years of age in church. I was alone in my room with Veggie Tales songs and my fathers’ tape recorder. I played Link as I battled the evil forces in Hyrule and later reenacted my own stories with these and many other characters with my best friend Hope at church or at Ms. Linda’s. I sat in the Kaffie Middle school library during lunch reading a tale that fascinated me. I got ahold of my parent’s camera and began a series of video tapes first at the age of 11 onto 17. I was sitting at a high school desk drawing sad pictures and writing sad poems of the loss of my first love. Then there seemed to be a gap as I went to work and simply came home for about a year of so. Suddenly I’m on a stage in an abundantly form fitting dress and stiletto heels performing classic songs I never even thought of before, men suddenly adoring me when all through my schooling years I was rarely noticed if ever that. All these stages and so many more were all beacons to say “Creative!” and now, here I sit, hoping so that the recent guitarist I’ve added to my life will create something with me to further my adventure of creativity through this earthly realm. The last time I remember being happy day by day was when although alone I was 15. My heart had never been broken, I didn’t know real pain or true emotion, I had so much at my disposal being too young to work, I was still a child and as long as I had something to document that I was happy. Michael Jackson and Zelda were my life. I had drawn a box full of memories, stories, or cartoonish depictions of events that had actually occurred in my family or friend life, and my recording material was flourishing. And just like that I realize I really have not changed so much. My hair has changed in dramatic ways. My heart has been broken and I have been in love. And my heart has been mended and I personally decided to meet with Jesus. But other than that there is virtually nothing new under my sun. I am still following the same path I did before, only the recordings are less silly, more serious. I write poetry, lyrics. I write essays. I sing songs in public view. My name is known by more people now than it has ever been known. Goodnight Avenue exposed me to a world that I have never known before. Men now seem to notice and appreciate me. At work I am attracting and known. Among my close friends I am the key that seems to hold the sphere together. Suddenly I’ve achieved a recognition that I never had before as a teenage girl or even a young woman at 20. I have had three important males in my life, all of which were not made for me. I have had a relationship with a man in a position I never dreamed I would have any kind of relationship with. And I have been involved with someone who was once my manager at work. I am adored when before I was barely noticed, and I am pursued although none of whom have and do pursue me are likely my matches. Everything is so different now, yet I am still that same 10 year old girl wearing those same blue shorts, with the sheep shirt from Travis Baptist, same socks bunched up, sitting on my bean bag in the corner of my room while listening to Veggie Tales and recording my dialogue into my recorder. I remember for a good two weeks or so that image being in my head was the happiest thing on earth to me. At times I couldn’t wait to get home from Ella Barnes Elementary just to run up the stairs and sit on my bean bag alone with my recorder and felt Larry the cucumber. But perhaps my oldest memory of a partner after my brother got too old to hang with lil’ sis was Scaley- my felt snake. I must have made at least 5 of him after losing the original. I made him in Children’s Church Sunday morning. Little did my creative arts Sunday school teacher know she was introducing to me an almost life-long childhood companion that morning. That is what used to be the world to me, a little felt snake with google eyes and coke can tabs to adorn his tale. All these memories seem to be just flooding back to me, all because I couldn’t sleep and decided to listen to only a few minutes of a mini tape I recorded as a 12 year old girl. And I can’t help, but wonder…when did I stop talking to myself? When did I forget that I have often been the best company I have kept? And when did Link become simply a memory instead of my first and last thought as a girl going through puberty? When did I forget the importance it was to carefully document every part of my life even though I’ll probably be the only one to ever care? What will happen to all my recordings audio, visual, pictures, writings, and drawings when I leave this world? Will the Lord truly not let me take them with me? Because although I know He was always there and is the only One who knows every desire my heart ever had to share myself with everyone I’d sure love to go through everything with Him anyway. Because I know He’ll be fascinated and at last my wish, the very reason I have kept all these things that tell the story of who Desiree` Magee is and was will not have been wished and hoped for in vain.

-          Desiree` Magee, age 23

How Many Times till I Completely Let Go?

This is an email I sent to my mother:

"(My ex) got online last night and we started talking. Eventually he busted out with his typical "are you here yet"s. I told him he would be shocked when I actually showed. He said he wouldn't and was now going out to the garage and would be waiting. I told him I would think about it. So I went outside to pray and asked God to put a heavy conviction on me if He didn't want me to go. I waited and from that prayer all the way to (my ex's) house I felt pretty confident. I get there...knock on the garage...his window...even the front door. Nothing. Sure enough I felt like a complete fool as I walked back to my car. 

When I got home I sent him a message (he wasn't online anymore) telling him what I had just done and that I felt like a jackass for doing it.

This morning he wakes me with a message saying he is so sorry and did wait for a little bit, but thought he was being silly thinking I would actually show and went on to bed. I didn't, after all tell him I was coming. So being the forgiving and understanding (and possibly stupid) me I told him I've been there too and no big. I light heartedly told him he owed me for gas money, though I wasn't joking and told him I wanted him to cook for me or buy me food. He said there was nothing in the house, not even bread and anything they had he ate last night. I told him I was serious. Then he says "all this talk is making me want to smoke. brb" 

While he's gone I told him to think of another way to repay me then. Then I offered to supply the goods if he put forth the effort to prepare them... 30 minutes passed and he never came back to his computer. I said "Dude. Really? You're going on thirty minutes. I get the feeling you don't take me too seriously." A few seconds after that IM his name changes to "Offline." 

So being my (hopelessly) optimistic self at first I think "Okay, well maybe his computer is acting up and kicked him off (earlier in our conversation his name kept going on and offline). So I wait....nothing...then I think, okay, perhaps, maybe, possibly he asked his uncle to borrow his truck to come surprise me! or borrowed his mom's car! or maybe even called his friend up who is holding his truck for him to go get his truck to come see me on his own!!.....he wouldn't do this to me...would he...?.....?...

"Desiree`, Desiree`, Desiree`...really??" 

His last message was received at 9:53am and he has not come back online nor showed over here. "Desiree`" I say to myself or perhaps it was the Lords' voice "Just let go."

I sent him this message a few minutes ago:

"Move on with your life. Have a Merry Christmas and I will say a prayer for you. Maybe I'll see you around some day."

and the subject line is titled "its over".

I'm going to wait a little longer till I delete him from my friends list for good because I want him to see my latest status' because it brings the blame on him. I don't want there to be any confusion.

I keep sitting here thinking 'Well, maybe he just laid down and fell back asleep! After all, he apparently didn't get much since he woke up around 9am!' then I think 'Do I really want to give time to a guy who thinks so little of me that he can't even keep himself awake long enough to make things right with yet another disappointment on his part?'

So. That's that. For a while I was speechless and although my feelings were hurt I felt generally jaded. He's pulled so much on me that I practically expect him to let me down every time. And that's why I didn't want to talk earlier. I had so many thoughts battling in my head I didn't want to talk to anyone just then..

I don't understand why God didn't convict my heart into not going over there in the first place. Perhaps He wanted to reveal further to me how I just need to stay away from this self-centered person because in fact he is the only thing he is thinking of right now. And his "love" for me if it's not a complete fraud will certainly never be enough, never ever be enough."

- Desiree` Magee

"Come As You Are" (and the Misconception that Tends to Follow)

There is a common misconception in some believers and even non-believers in regards to God’s offer to “come as you are.” The reality of this statement seems often lost to the world around us (and even among us) and it is accepted as a false comfort to a non-change agenda instead of taken by it’s whole meaning. Though God does tell us we may come to Him as we are - sinful in nature - there is a follow-up message and requirement He also gives which is a call to be transformed, to change from the sinful creature you once were, and be restored in Him.
　 This invitation to ‘come as you are’ is so often misunderstood by some to mean “you‘re beautiful the way you are.” Yes, through a worldly point of view this unconditional acceptance gives the warm and fuzzies. But this invite was not meant as a self loving statement, but an expression to those who may feel they are not worthy to come to Him because of what they have done and where they have been. The Lord is simply saying “Come to Me, because I love you no matter what you’ve done - now let’s make it better.” That means change. There is a condition for coming to Him and that price is that we let go of the sinful behavior we had - no matter how bad or little - and open ourselves to be made new. It requires change. It’s natural for us to shy away from something that actually requires us to do something.


Grace Calls for Change
　 The sacrifice of Jesus Christ opened the door to grace - God‘s grace. Grace is the act of forgiving a debt.
In the English language there are several definitions of grace that stem out from a core meaning which is simply pleasant. But Theology aside, here are the basic definitions of grace:

grace
–noun
1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favor or good will.
4. a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school. 5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
6. favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
7. an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses.

Here are just a few Bible verses regarding the grace given though Jesus‘ sacrifice:

Ephesians 4:7 But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift. (gift being His sacrifice on the cross)

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast. (because Jesus earned it for us on His own.)

1 Peter 4:10 As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. (this is a 'do unto others' type of statement - show others the grace God showed you.)

With the sacrifice of Christ came the assurance that God would forgive our transgressions (sins) should we come to Him (“as you are“) in repentance (acknowledging our sinfulness) and turn from our old ways (this means to change).

Romans 6:1-3 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning (“as you are“) so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? (this is a call to be changed)

Romans 6:10-12 The death He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin (be changed) but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign (this means to turn from sin - “as you are”) in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation (changed!); the old has gone (“as you are”), the new has come!

Each of these verses call for the believer to be changed to something better. Staying as you are is not acceptable.

So you may be saying now “Okay, so I sin, right, but I like who I am! And my friends and family like who I am!” This rebuttal is understandable if you don’t understand the real change being demanded. It’s not a change of person - it is a change of heart and yes - there is a difference. Your person is your personality, your traits, your characteristics. Your heart is your sense of right and wrong, your motives, your soul. God cares much for the whole package that is you, but His main focus is where your heart is in all of it. He comforts you to “come as you are” - in sin - to be transformed in heart to know better, respond better, and receive Him better.

How can a believer come into the family of God and rebuke the idea of change to stay “as they are“? Does one go into the disciplined army to remain a rebel? Does one go to college to come out knowing nothing more than he did when he went in? Does someone purchase a ticket to see a movie to stay in the bathroom during the show? No! So why would anyone think Christianity any different? The idea is to go in expecting and desiring to learn, experience, to form, to mold yourself, to become greater, to achieve more, to be successful in the field - to further evolve from the person they were. Note: evolve means to develop. Develop means to grow or expand and they all mean -- get this -- to change! Though not of this world like so many avenues of this world faith in Christ - Christianity - requires a willingness to be changed or else it just doesn’t work like it‘s supposed to. Yes, God loves you “as you are”, and He wants you to come to Him in order to perfect that same person He loves, to make better, to lift the real you up, to polish you, to make your beauty stand out even more - This requires an openness to be perfected by correction of errors sin has placed in you.

In the words of Dr. Tony Evans,

　 “God says to come as you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay that way.”

　 - Desiree` Magee　

What's Wrong with Horoscopes?

Please see blog here:  http://www.myspace.com/eerised_the_indigo/blog/541185949

 

- DM

Searching

What is happening to me?

I’ve come to realize it’s not a question of if, but when you’ll return

You’re like a soldier at war that I wait upon

And my heart grows more bitter as you love me and leave

I regret meeting you, but where would I be if I hadn’t?

How could you have such an impact on my heart?

My grudge increases at the thought of the strain you’ve put on my soul

Bringing this anxiety I feel not knowing when I’ll see you again

And it seems it’s all for your own pleasure

As you count the days and you scheme your ways

Why do you want to torture me like this?

I’m the one who promised you everything, but you just couldn’t take it

It seems clear you don’t want me so why do you keep coming back?

It couldn’t be me, so what is it you’re searching for?

- Desiree' Magee

My "It" of Patron

It's a painless stab that seduces my heart
It's a tool that pulls my healing wound apart
It's the secret place I want to be
Even when I think of what it's done to me
It's a hollow feeling late at night
Throwing anxiety to my mind and sight
It's a trick that towers over my mind
It's a scam to suck my love and time
It's a demon that whispers in my ear
Telling me to open and let it near
It's the reason I went out late last night
Though I returned with my heart still heavy, not light
It's a continuous knock on my bedroom door
While I tremble beneathe the covers knowing it wants more-
of me and all I have to give
So I move towards it across the room
Wishing I could tell it what I long to
While tightening the locks and guarding the alarm
I go to my knees and grab my right arm
But I see the shadow on the otherside
Knowing the product of my "it" has arrived..
As minimal time has passed me by
I realise I'm left alone so I
Make my way to my heart-bedroom door
Disguarding my chamber I venture out toward
Where the object of my passion and fear earlier stood
I study the perimeter to make sure it's secured
And I find myself alone with little out of place
I gaze in the mirror to find not relief on my face
But the all too familiar expression of dispair
With that feeling of wanting to take my it there
But I sit alone confused and...what else?
I find my words few and my descriptions are scarce.
It woke me this morning around 10 AM
I tried to fall back, but my heart's stricken
I don't know how to feel, what to do, or what to say
So I ask the Lord to take my it away
But I don't think He will and I'm not sure why
Now all that's left is to live the same life
It seems I must be lacking in my jar
I feel I should keep running, but will I get far?
It's one thing to feel it late at night in my bed
But now it's returned to loom over my head.

- Desiree' Magee

Watch the Door

Do you think it doesn't hurt…?

Or am I a solid rock in your eyes?

Flooding a page, but what’s missing is mine

Or maybe I’m not missed at all.

Either way I won’t show in here or out there

Because I’m calling shots now.

I just wanted you to know I know where you’ll be

But you won’t see me.

And I hope you’ll keep watching the door.

In the event you might look for me I just wanted you to know.

 

- Desiree' Magee

A Guide of 29 Don't Do's for Mr. Right

Because of this you’ll never lay claim to the rebuttal: “Well, Woman I can’t read your mind!”

1. Don’t call me “Dez“. Really it’s just not appreciated. We’re on a more personal, formal, and intimate relationship plane here. Let’s keep it that way.

　

2. On a related note: Don’t opt to call me by my first name, not even jokingly. Yes, it is the genesis of my full birth name. It is, however not my reference name. Such name is my mothers reference name and it suits her just fine.

　

3. Don’t come in the kitchen while I’m cooking. No one gets away with this offense and you‘re no exception. You may be lookin; good, but I’m working here!…Okay, one kiss. Now get out.

　

4. Don’t leave your hair of any kind around the sink. Really, that’s just gross.

　

5. Don’t walk around the house with your shoes on. Not only does it track in unnecessary dirt, but it damages the carpet. And smooshed carpet is just unattractive.

　

6. Don’t mess with the volume knob on my car radio. Really, don’t even reach for it. That knob is set for a reason. If you have something to say and would like my full attention kindly address it with me. If I don’t seem to hear you take the big orange flag from the back seat and wave it in a circular fashion until I notice. Make sure you don’t wave it in an up and down position, though because I may mistake that for the sign “Hey, this music is awesome! Crank it up!”

　

7. Don’t bring your own music in my car with the assumption I will agree to let you play it. Ask me long before we get in the car. Normally I don’t like anything playing in my car that I have not personally suggested, but you might just be cute enough for me to bend this one time.

　

8. Don’t assume. Really, who appreciates this? If you have an issue, a question, a concern, a…misunderstanding…just bring it up with me. Let’s not make things more difficult, huh? Even if you don’t think I’ll listen it is your job to address your own issues. It is my job to listen.

　

9. Don’t shut me out when you don’t like what you’re hearing. Really, I mean I have opinions and feelings too. You know how many things you have possibly shared with me that I didn’t shut down even though I knew you were wrong? Open communication is key - not land-slide agreements.

　

10. Don’t give me honesty unless I ask for it. Me saying “Do you like this dress on me?” is NOT the same as saying “Tell me the truth - Do you like this dress on me?” If I want your honest opinion - trust me - I will flat out, straight up ask for it. No tricks here.

　

11. Don’t insult my cooking or really any house-hold chore where I display diligent effort. Really, this goes hand-in-hand with the honesty thing. You may be surprised to find that psychology is not always so varied from woman to woman, man to man. Don’t dis psychology.

　

12. Don’t look into any more or less than the words I am speaking to you. I pride myself in being very simple, to the point, careful, and fair with how I express my feelings or concerns. I understand ‘you’re a man‘ and how ‘something’s you’ll never understand about the complexity that is my gender,’ but trust me - I don’t play guessing games and you’ll rarely if ever hear me scream “If you really loved me you would just know!!” before slamming the door in your face like a dramatic made-for-tv-teen.

　

13. Don’t hang up on me. Really, what’re you, a man or a adolescent girl in grammar school? Let’s handle things like adults here.

　

14. Don’t replace communication with me or God with alcohol or any other kind of substance, legal or not due to a rough match or argument. It’s not becoming of anyone and shows a great lack in your God-given ability to deal with issues head-on great or small.

　

15. Related; Don’t mistake me for Jesus. Really, I know I’m awesome, but I should not be number 1 on your list of fulfillment. Believe me I can rock your world by God’s grant alone. But I am human. Don’t forget that.

　

16. Don’t casually spit in my presence. Really, it’s just uncouth.

　

17. Don’t disregard me as a traditional woman. Chivalry is dead to the jerks that kill it. Yes, I expect you to open that door, yes I will notice if you don’t pull out that chair, and indeed I will take note of every foul word from your mouth that you speak in my acknowledged hearing distance. And don’t worry about my end; I got this and I assure you won’t be disappointed ;)

　

19. Don’t be a know-it-all or competitor. Really, I can’t stand people like that and I’ll especially cringe if my guy always tries to one-up me. This isn’t a sporting event and obviously you’ve already won me over so who are you showing off for? Lighten up.

　

20. Don’t be a mooch. Okay so maybe you lost your job. It’ll be okay sweetie pie honey bun…Tonight I rub your shoulders and cook you a nice meal. Meanwhile you better get out that door tomorrow or the next day and get back to work. Life goes on; so should you.

　

21. Don’t confuse your being an ass for “honesty.” I know a lot of you guys wanna get away with saying certain things or not being coerced into saying certain things, but seriously; is it going to absolutely destroy the very core of your manliness by simply replying politely when I ask your conflicting opinion regarding something I care about? Sure, you may have a separate opinion. Don’t disregard mine with cool dismissal.

　

22. Don’t leave the toilet seat up. Seriously, this is a given with near to any woman. And it’s not that I lack the common sense to look before I sit therefore making myself victim to a toilet dive, but that it simply looks distasteful.

　

23. Don’t cling to me in the morning. Hooray for cuddling!, but mornings are tough for me and you’re not paint.

　

24. Whatacatch Meal (the sandwich), w/ all the vegetables (pickles, onions, lettuce, & tomato.), sweet tea. This isn’t a ‘Don’t’, I just thought I’d thrown it in here. Remember it.

　

25. Don’t get your boxers in a bunch; I like to wrestle and I get rough. Yea, sure like a puppy pulling on a big dogs ear I know you could take me down, but humor me here.

　

26. Don’t avoid my eyes. Dating, in a relationship, small talk, an argument, a deep conversation…whatever it may be don’t avoid looking into my eyes.

　

27. Don’t leave me in silent anticipation. It really does not feel good.

　

28. Don’t cause me to feel like I’m alone. Always remind me that you’re there, even if things between us are rough at the time.

　

And finally:

　

29. Life happens, tempers flare, disagreements come up, time-outs will be needed, understanding will at times lack, thoughts may become self-centered, there will be faults, and there will be down sides. But Don’t break my heart.

　

- Desiree' Magee

Take it Back

I'm doing it to myself again... I was talking to God a little bit ago about my issue, but there wasn't much said. Really I just wanted to sit in the silence and let Him feel my emotion...whatever that may be. It's a stupid emotion, filled with stupid thoughts and stupid "what ifs" just stupid, stupid thoughts that need to die, why can't I let them? How could I even think them after everything I went through and I felt so damaged and angry that I wanted to scream and go on a killing spree with only one life in mind to take. Why are human beings so attracted to abuse..? Why would I put my thoughts in the same place they were before; why would I want to be abused again? What the heck is wrong with me.. Still I wish I could go back - can you believe I actually am thinking of re-living it?!? What is wrong with me.. It wasn't even that great, but what an experience, it makes me feel fuzzy to go back in my head to re-live those thoughts I had back then and the memories I see in my heart while at work or at home or at Windsong... What is wrong with me...

- Desiree'

Psalm 2

Lord God around me, search my heart

See that I’m weak, Lord and mend my heart

Guide me through the way You’ve designed

Encourage me to leave all other ways behind

See that I’m fragile, God and be the one to catch my tears

Stay close beside me, Lord for the rest of these years

Shine a light on my imperfections

Help me to make Your desired connections

Hone in on my weakness’s that bring me down

Strengthen my witness when the lost come around

See how weak I am and lonely I feel

Study my woman’s heart that’s been broken within Your Will

Help me to turn from those who have wronged me

Guide me from he who does not belong with me

See how I cry, God and how unhappy I feel

Keep me from prolonging my soul to be fulfilled

Hold onto my hand when others have gone away

Please don’t leave me as have they

Help me to see the wolfs in sheep’s clothing

And open my wisdom to lies they have spoken

Take me away from further heart ache and anger

Lord, I need You now so please don’t meander

Know of my sorrow and the tears I still cry

When I think of the friend who is missing from my life

Acknowledge my weakness as a human being

Take note of the fragility of this natural body

Understand that I know without You I’m not whole

But help me to feel like a living soul!

Keep my mind focused on Your work solely

Encouraging me to meditate on all that is holy

Guide my heart, Lord God and help me look to tomorrow

For I’ve grown so very tired of this earthly sorrow…

- Desiree' Magee

How You Say 'Insult to Injury?'

I just..I almost don't know what to say... This guy...comes back into my life after carelessly breaking my heart THREE TIMES in the span of SIX MONTHS...and he comes waltzin' up tryin' to holla at me for a 4th time! FOR REAL??? Like, are you serious?? No..no...explaination, no groveling, no sensitivity, no remorse shown for how you hurt me, how you abandoned me, deserted me, left me, turned from me, and you just start blowin' up my phone late at night tellin' me to come over, tellin' me you "love" me and miss me?? Like...seriously?? What, Austin fulfilled your sex drive so you come walking back up to my door wanting something real? Oh, and once you get 'starved' enough you gon' kick me right back to the curb to go get you some then, what, I suppose you'll come knockin' on my door for a 5th round! Damn, boy, see this is classic and the good thing is that at the very least you aren't blind enough to know what a GOOD THING is and what a real woman's love is. Obviously Austin ran out of place to hold you so you were forced to come back home, so you may as well hit up 'that girl' to keep you entertained. Oh, yea, I'm "that girl", that girl who did you right and with respect and patience and showed unfailing commitment to the promise I made to my GOD way before your sad self came along, a character of strong moral value, a woman who knows what it means to be a servant, a best friend, a wife, who knows how to hang, yea - THAT girl. That was me. And you completely demolished the bridge that lead to me three months ago at 4 in the morning.

Now, boss I ain't sayin' I don't want you, and I ain't sayin' I don't still feel for you, but guy, go on and start gatherin' that wood, the strong kind, 'cause there ain't no way in this life or the next that you will EVER reach me by means of the last bridge which has been DESTROYED. And by this I simply mean the bridge that will reach me will be built by the hands of a different man 'cause the old you has been rejected.

- Desiree' Magee