Here's something interesting. I am so different! I'm mature, yet naive, innocent, yet cunning...so lost and confused yet right where I'm supposed to be... It seems I'm at that place between childhood and adulthood as everyone comes, yet I'm so childlike-honest that I see things that adults refuse to see and admit, but wise that I could always see beyond the understanding of a child. I feel kind of like an outcast. Do I belong with adults? Kids? Young adults? It seems everywhere I go I'm loved or unwanted and even among the love I'm not truly understood. See, this blog right here sounds like something straight out of a teenagers diary, but the reasoning behind it is so much more mature than that, but even most adults don't seem to view things as I do. It's like I'm on that "searching for myself" journey thing I always heard about and for the past three or four years I can't seem to figure out which road I'm supposed to take. Is it foolish to reach out to someone who hurt you in the past just to make things right again or am I good to try to re-build that bridge to someone elses lonely heart? Is giving up on one positive thing for another with the assurance that it's time to move on truly wise, or should you never let anything possitive go? If you feel content half the time about something, but feel empty the other half should you walk away or keep going? And is it truly wise to leave your heart wide open always knowing it could be abused or should you close it up and think of only protecting yourself? Is reaching out to someone you love with all your heart even though they've hurt you wise or just naive? I'm so open to love, I want to love someone so much whether it's a friend or a lover, but I'm very picky about who I center my love on. Am I foolish to think if I just keep loving and loving one day I'll be accepted? And if I never wronged someone and have nothing to 'make up for' but decide to love them with my all anyway - is that just too dangerous? Did Jesus truly love the Pharisees?
I feel I know someone like that, but even after everything I want to love his heart with all that I am, not holding anything back, no more hiding what I'm feeling, telling him everything that's on my heart, standing with nothing to hide me, clearly out in the open in front of his weapons knowing and mostly believing he will open fire any second, he'll rush at me with weapon in hand and run me through all along with my hands in the air... I'll fall to the ground and die to him in dignity, but wondering as I breathe my last breaths should I have just stayed in hiding? Was this warrior worth the sacrifice? Or was I right to love him with everything and after being hit again and again I dropped my weapons to the ground and took it to prove to him how much I love him, his heart, and despise his inhabitions and darkness and long to help him find a better place inside? It's a bitter sweet feeling knelt unclothed on the ground, with everything I am exposed for this one man I so long to serve and help and protect... am I just really an innocent victim? Others who hurt me I washed my hands of them...so why couldn't I do this for this man? Why do I feel this compelling and over-whelming need to be there for him and understand him to the fullest. I've never felt such a need for anyone ever to be so close to them and love them, especially anyone who's hurt me as he. I don't understand why I have this connection, this passion to keep fighting for him while all the while he fights against me. How can you save someone who doesn't want to be saved? How can you help someone who doesn't want your help? How do you love someone who wants to hate you? How long do you keep giving when everything you give is thrown away..? Why did it feel so wrong when I turned away, I'm so confused if I made the right choice... I thought I was doing the right thing, but was I actually being innocently selfish? How could I control my heart any more when everyday the passion to love was growing stronger and stronger. The more he hates the more I love, the more he belittles the more I'm humbled, the more he hides the harder I seek to find him, the more he whispers the more I lean in to hear him, the faster he walks away the faster I rush to his side, the more he turns from me the more I move where he can see me again and nothing he's ever said or done or will say or do will ever make me love him less..! What should I do if he rejects me again? Should I keep trying? What if he just ends up hating me more? What if his weapons get sharper and his attacks more fierce? What if as time goes on he tears me to shreds, wounding me to the point where I no longer have the strength to even lift up my eyes to see him anymore. Why did God put this undeniable longing to be this mans friend, serving him from my heart, giving all of myself, loving to full capacity... I thought I made the right choice, but now I'm not so sure... again I ask why was it so much easier to turn from those who deserted me, but even with the greater wounds he inflicted I can't desert him?
- Desiree` Magee
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