How Many Times till I Completely Let Go?

This is an email I sent to my mother:

"(My ex) got online last night and we started talking. Eventually he busted out with his typical "are you here yet"s. I told him he would be shocked when I actually showed. He said he wouldn't and was now going out to the garage and would be waiting. I told him I would think about it. So I went outside to pray and asked God to put a heavy conviction on me if He didn't want me to go. I waited and from that prayer all the way to (my ex's) house I felt pretty confident. I get there...knock on the garage...his window...even the front door. Nothing. Sure enough I felt like a complete fool as I walked back to my car. 

When I got home I sent him a message (he wasn't online anymore) telling him what I had just done and that I felt like a jackass for doing it.

This morning he wakes me with a message saying he is so sorry and did wait for a little bit, but thought he was being silly thinking I would actually show and went on to bed. I didn't, after all tell him I was coming. So being the forgiving and understanding (and possibly stupid) me I told him I've been there too and no big. I light heartedly told him he owed me for gas money, though I wasn't joking and told him I wanted him to cook for me or buy me food. He said there was nothing in the house, not even bread and anything they had he ate last night. I told him I was serious. Then he says "all this talk is making me want to smoke. brb" 

While he's gone I told him to think of another way to repay me then. Then I offered to supply the goods if he put forth the effort to prepare them... 30 minutes passed and he never came back to his computer. I said "Dude. Really? You're going on thirty minutes. I get the feeling you don't take me too seriously." A few seconds after that IM his name changes to "Offline." 

So being my (hopelessly) optimistic self at first I think "Okay, well maybe his computer is acting up and kicked him off (earlier in our conversation his name kept going on and offline). So I wait....nothing...then I think, okay, perhaps, maybe, possibly he asked his uncle to borrow his truck to come surprise me! or borrowed his mom's car! or maybe even called his friend up who is holding his truck for him to go get his truck to come see me on his own!!.....he wouldn't do this to me...would he...?.....?...

"Desiree`, Desiree`, Desiree`...really??" 

His last message was received at 9:53am and he has not come back online nor showed over here. "Desiree`" I say to myself or perhaps it was the Lords' voice "Just let go."

I sent him this message a few minutes ago:

"Move on with your life. Have a Merry Christmas and I will say a prayer for you. Maybe I'll see you around some day."

and the subject line is titled "its over".

I'm going to wait a little longer till I delete him from my friends list for good because I want him to see my latest status' because it brings the blame on him. I don't want there to be any confusion.

I keep sitting here thinking 'Well, maybe he just laid down and fell back asleep! After all, he apparently didn't get much since he woke up around 9am!' then I think 'Do I really want to give time to a guy who thinks so little of me that he can't even keep himself awake long enough to make things right with yet another disappointment on his part?'

So. That's that. For a while I was speechless and although my feelings were hurt I felt generally jaded. He's pulled so much on me that I practically expect him to let me down every time. And that's why I didn't want to talk earlier. I had so many thoughts battling in my head I didn't want to talk to anyone just then..

I don't understand why God didn't convict my heart into not going over there in the first place. Perhaps He wanted to reveal further to me how I just need to stay away from this self-centered person because in fact he is the only thing he is thinking of right now. And his "love" for me if it's not a complete fraud will certainly never be enough, never ever be enough."

- Desiree` Magee

"Come As You Are" (and the Misconception that Tends to Follow)

There is a common misconception in some believers and even non-believers in regards to God’s offer to “come as you are.” The reality of this statement seems often lost to the world around us (and even among us) and it is accepted as a false comfort to a non-change agenda instead of taken by it’s whole meaning. Though God does tell us we may come to Him as we are - sinful in nature - there is a follow-up message and requirement He also gives which is a call to be transformed, to change from the sinful creature you once were, and be restored in Him.
　 This invitation to ‘come as you are’ is so often misunderstood by some to mean “you‘re beautiful the way you are.” Yes, through a worldly point of view this unconditional acceptance gives the warm and fuzzies. But this invite was not meant as a self loving statement, but an expression to those who may feel they are not worthy to come to Him because of what they have done and where they have been. The Lord is simply saying “Come to Me, because I love you no matter what you’ve done - now let’s make it better.” That means change. There is a condition for coming to Him and that price is that we let go of the sinful behavior we had - no matter how bad or little - and open ourselves to be made new. It requires change. It’s natural for us to shy away from something that actually requires us to do something.


Grace Calls for Change
　 The sacrifice of Jesus Christ opened the door to grace - God‘s grace. Grace is the act of forgiving a debt.
In the English language there are several definitions of grace that stem out from a core meaning which is simply pleasant. But Theology aside, here are the basic definitions of grace:

grace
–noun
1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favor or good will.
4. a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school. 5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
6. favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
7. an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses.

Here are just a few Bible verses regarding the grace given though Jesus‘ sacrifice:

Ephesians 4:7 But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift. (gift being His sacrifice on the cross)

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast. (because Jesus earned it for us on His own.)

1 Peter 4:10 As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. (this is a 'do unto others' type of statement - show others the grace God showed you.)

With the sacrifice of Christ came the assurance that God would forgive our transgressions (sins) should we come to Him (“as you are“) in repentance (acknowledging our sinfulness) and turn from our old ways (this means to change).

Romans 6:1-3 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning (“as you are“) so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? (this is a call to be changed)

Romans 6:10-12 The death He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin (be changed) but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign (this means to turn from sin - “as you are”) in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation (changed!); the old has gone (“as you are”), the new has come!

Each of these verses call for the believer to be changed to something better. Staying as you are is not acceptable.

So you may be saying now “Okay, so I sin, right, but I like who I am! And my friends and family like who I am!” This rebuttal is understandable if you don’t understand the real change being demanded. It’s not a change of person - it is a change of heart and yes - there is a difference. Your person is your personality, your traits, your characteristics. Your heart is your sense of right and wrong, your motives, your soul. God cares much for the whole package that is you, but His main focus is where your heart is in all of it. He comforts you to “come as you are” - in sin - to be transformed in heart to know better, respond better, and receive Him better.

How can a believer come into the family of God and rebuke the idea of change to stay “as they are“? Does one go into the disciplined army to remain a rebel? Does one go to college to come out knowing nothing more than he did when he went in? Does someone purchase a ticket to see a movie to stay in the bathroom during the show? No! So why would anyone think Christianity any different? The idea is to go in expecting and desiring to learn, experience, to form, to mold yourself, to become greater, to achieve more, to be successful in the field - to further evolve from the person they were. Note: evolve means to develop. Develop means to grow or expand and they all mean -- get this -- to change! Though not of this world like so many avenues of this world faith in Christ - Christianity - requires a willingness to be changed or else it just doesn’t work like it‘s supposed to. Yes, God loves you “as you are”, and He wants you to come to Him in order to perfect that same person He loves, to make better, to lift the real you up, to polish you, to make your beauty stand out even more - This requires an openness to be perfected by correction of errors sin has placed in you.

In the words of Dr. Tony Evans,

　 “God says to come as you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay that way.”

　 - Desiree` Magee　

What's Wrong with Horoscopes?

Please see blog here:  http://www.myspace.com/eerised_the_indigo/blog/541185949

 

- DM

Searching

What is happening to me?

I’ve come to realize it’s not a question of if, but when you’ll return

You’re like a soldier at war that I wait upon

And my heart grows more bitter as you love me and leave

I regret meeting you, but where would I be if I hadn’t?

How could you have such an impact on my heart?

My grudge increases at the thought of the strain you’ve put on my soul

Bringing this anxiety I feel not knowing when I’ll see you again

And it seems it’s all for your own pleasure

As you count the days and you scheme your ways

Why do you want to torture me like this?

I’m the one who promised you everything, but you just couldn’t take it

It seems clear you don’t want me so why do you keep coming back?

It couldn’t be me, so what is it you’re searching for?

- Desiree' Magee

My "It" of Patron

It's a painless stab that seduces my heart
It's a tool that pulls my healing wound apart
It's the secret place I want to be
Even when I think of what it's done to me
It's a hollow feeling late at night
Throwing anxiety to my mind and sight
It's a trick that towers over my mind
It's a scam to suck my love and time
It's a demon that whispers in my ear
Telling me to open and let it near
It's the reason I went out late last night
Though I returned with my heart still heavy, not light
It's a continuous knock on my bedroom door
While I tremble beneathe the covers knowing it wants more-
of me and all I have to give
So I move towards it across the room
Wishing I could tell it what I long to
While tightening the locks and guarding the alarm
I go to my knees and grab my right arm
But I see the shadow on the otherside
Knowing the product of my "it" has arrived..
As minimal time has passed me by
I realise I'm left alone so I
Make my way to my heart-bedroom door
Disguarding my chamber I venture out toward
Where the object of my passion and fear earlier stood
I study the perimeter to make sure it's secured
And I find myself alone with little out of place
I gaze in the mirror to find not relief on my face
But the all too familiar expression of dispair
With that feeling of wanting to take my it there
But I sit alone confused and...what else?
I find my words few and my descriptions are scarce.
It woke me this morning around 10 AM
I tried to fall back, but my heart's stricken
I don't know how to feel, what to do, or what to say
So I ask the Lord to take my it away
But I don't think He will and I'm not sure why
Now all that's left is to live the same life
It seems I must be lacking in my jar
I feel I should keep running, but will I get far?
It's one thing to feel it late at night in my bed
But now it's returned to loom over my head.

- Desiree' Magee

Watch the Door

Do you think it doesn't hurt…?

Or am I a solid rock in your eyes?

Flooding a page, but what’s missing is mine

Or maybe I’m not missed at all.

Either way I won’t show in here or out there

Because I’m calling shots now.

I just wanted you to know I know where you’ll be

But you won’t see me.

And I hope you’ll keep watching the door.

In the event you might look for me I just wanted you to know.

 

- Desiree' Magee

A Guide of 29 Don't Do's for Mr. Right

Because of this you’ll never lay claim to the rebuttal: “Well, Woman I can’t read your mind!”

1. Don’t call me “Dez“. Really it’s just not appreciated. We’re on a more personal, formal, and intimate relationship plane here. Let’s keep it that way.

　

2. On a related note: Don’t opt to call me by my first name, not even jokingly. Yes, it is the genesis of my full birth name. It is, however not my reference name. Such name is my mothers reference name and it suits her just fine.

　

3. Don’t come in the kitchen while I’m cooking. No one gets away with this offense and you‘re no exception. You may be lookin; good, but I’m working here!…Okay, one kiss. Now get out.

　

4. Don’t leave your hair of any kind around the sink. Really, that’s just gross.

　

5. Don’t walk around the house with your shoes on. Not only does it track in unnecessary dirt, but it damages the carpet. And smooshed carpet is just unattractive.

　

6. Don’t mess with the volume knob on my car radio. Really, don’t even reach for it. That knob is set for a reason. If you have something to say and would like my full attention kindly address it with me. If I don’t seem to hear you take the big orange flag from the back seat and wave it in a circular fashion until I notice. Make sure you don’t wave it in an up and down position, though because I may mistake that for the sign “Hey, this music is awesome! Crank it up!”

　

7. Don’t bring your own music in my car with the assumption I will agree to let you play it. Ask me long before we get in the car. Normally I don’t like anything playing in my car that I have not personally suggested, but you might just be cute enough for me to bend this one time.

　

8. Don’t assume. Really, who appreciates this? If you have an issue, a question, a concern, a…misunderstanding…just bring it up with me. Let’s not make things more difficult, huh? Even if you don’t think I’ll listen it is your job to address your own issues. It is my job to listen.

　

9. Don’t shut me out when you don’t like what you’re hearing. Really, I mean I have opinions and feelings too. You know how many things you have possibly shared with me that I didn’t shut down even though I knew you were wrong? Open communication is key - not land-slide agreements.

　

10. Don’t give me honesty unless I ask for it. Me saying “Do you like this dress on me?” is NOT the same as saying “Tell me the truth - Do you like this dress on me?” If I want your honest opinion - trust me - I will flat out, straight up ask for it. No tricks here.

　

11. Don’t insult my cooking or really any house-hold chore where I display diligent effort. Really, this goes hand-in-hand with the honesty thing. You may be surprised to find that psychology is not always so varied from woman to woman, man to man. Don’t dis psychology.

　

12. Don’t look into any more or less than the words I am speaking to you. I pride myself in being very simple, to the point, careful, and fair with how I express my feelings or concerns. I understand ‘you’re a man‘ and how ‘something’s you’ll never understand about the complexity that is my gender,’ but trust me - I don’t play guessing games and you’ll rarely if ever hear me scream “If you really loved me you would just know!!” before slamming the door in your face like a dramatic made-for-tv-teen.

　

13. Don’t hang up on me. Really, what’re you, a man or a adolescent girl in grammar school? Let’s handle things like adults here.

　

14. Don’t replace communication with me or God with alcohol or any other kind of substance, legal or not due to a rough match or argument. It’s not becoming of anyone and shows a great lack in your God-given ability to deal with issues head-on great or small.

　

15. Related; Don’t mistake me for Jesus. Really, I know I’m awesome, but I should not be number 1 on your list of fulfillment. Believe me I can rock your world by God’s grant alone. But I am human. Don’t forget that.

　

16. Don’t casually spit in my presence. Really, it’s just uncouth.

　

17. Don’t disregard me as a traditional woman. Chivalry is dead to the jerks that kill it. Yes, I expect you to open that door, yes I will notice if you don’t pull out that chair, and indeed I will take note of every foul word from your mouth that you speak in my acknowledged hearing distance. And don’t worry about my end; I got this and I assure you won’t be disappointed ;)

　

19. Don’t be a know-it-all or competitor. Really, I can’t stand people like that and I’ll especially cringe if my guy always tries to one-up me. This isn’t a sporting event and obviously you’ve already won me over so who are you showing off for? Lighten up.

　

20. Don’t be a mooch. Okay so maybe you lost your job. It’ll be okay sweetie pie honey bun…Tonight I rub your shoulders and cook you a nice meal. Meanwhile you better get out that door tomorrow or the next day and get back to work. Life goes on; so should you.

　

21. Don’t confuse your being an ass for “honesty.” I know a lot of you guys wanna get away with saying certain things or not being coerced into saying certain things, but seriously; is it going to absolutely destroy the very core of your manliness by simply replying politely when I ask your conflicting opinion regarding something I care about? Sure, you may have a separate opinion. Don’t disregard mine with cool dismissal.

　

22. Don’t leave the toilet seat up. Seriously, this is a given with near to any woman. And it’s not that I lack the common sense to look before I sit therefore making myself victim to a toilet dive, but that it simply looks distasteful.

　

23. Don’t cling to me in the morning. Hooray for cuddling!, but mornings are tough for me and you’re not paint.

　

24. Whatacatch Meal (the sandwich), w/ all the vegetables (pickles, onions, lettuce, & tomato.), sweet tea. This isn’t a ‘Don’t’, I just thought I’d thrown it in here. Remember it.

　

25. Don’t get your boxers in a bunch; I like to wrestle and I get rough. Yea, sure like a puppy pulling on a big dogs ear I know you could take me down, but humor me here.

　

26. Don’t avoid my eyes. Dating, in a relationship, small talk, an argument, a deep conversation…whatever it may be don’t avoid looking into my eyes.

　

27. Don’t leave me in silent anticipation. It really does not feel good.

　

28. Don’t cause me to feel like I’m alone. Always remind me that you’re there, even if things between us are rough at the time.

　

And finally:

　

29. Life happens, tempers flare, disagreements come up, time-outs will be needed, understanding will at times lack, thoughts may become self-centered, there will be faults, and there will be down sides. But Don’t break my heart.

　

- Desiree' Magee

Take it Back

I'm doing it to myself again... I was talking to God a little bit ago about my issue, but there wasn't much said. Really I just wanted to sit in the silence and let Him feel my emotion...whatever that may be. It's a stupid emotion, filled with stupid thoughts and stupid "what ifs" just stupid, stupid thoughts that need to die, why can't I let them? How could I even think them after everything I went through and I felt so damaged and angry that I wanted to scream and go on a killing spree with only one life in mind to take. Why are human beings so attracted to abuse..? Why would I put my thoughts in the same place they were before; why would I want to be abused again? What the heck is wrong with me.. Still I wish I could go back - can you believe I actually am thinking of re-living it?!? What is wrong with me.. It wasn't even that great, but what an experience, it makes me feel fuzzy to go back in my head to re-live those thoughts I had back then and the memories I see in my heart while at work or at home or at Windsong... What is wrong with me...

- Desiree'

Psalm 2

Lord God around me, search my heart

See that I’m weak, Lord and mend my heart

Guide me through the way You’ve designed

Encourage me to leave all other ways behind

See that I’m fragile, God and be the one to catch my tears

Stay close beside me, Lord for the rest of these years

Shine a light on my imperfections

Help me to make Your desired connections

Hone in on my weakness’s that bring me down

Strengthen my witness when the lost come around

See how weak I am and lonely I feel

Study my woman’s heart that’s been broken within Your Will

Help me to turn from those who have wronged me

Guide me from he who does not belong with me

See how I cry, God and how unhappy I feel

Keep me from prolonging my soul to be fulfilled

Hold onto my hand when others have gone away

Please don’t leave me as have they

Help me to see the wolfs in sheep’s clothing

And open my wisdom to lies they have spoken

Take me away from further heart ache and anger

Lord, I need You now so please don’t meander

Know of my sorrow and the tears I still cry

When I think of the friend who is missing from my life

Acknowledge my weakness as a human being

Take note of the fragility of this natural body

Understand that I know without You I’m not whole

But help me to feel like a living soul!

Keep my mind focused on Your work solely

Encouraging me to meditate on all that is holy

Guide my heart, Lord God and help me look to tomorrow

For I’ve grown so very tired of this earthly sorrow…

- Desiree' Magee

How You Say 'Insult to Injury?'

I just..I almost don't know what to say... This guy...comes back into my life after carelessly breaking my heart THREE TIMES in the span of SIX MONTHS...and he comes waltzin' up tryin' to holla at me for a 4th time! FOR REAL??? Like, are you serious?? No..no...explaination, no groveling, no sensitivity, no remorse shown for how you hurt me, how you abandoned me, deserted me, left me, turned from me, and you just start blowin' up my phone late at night tellin' me to come over, tellin' me you "love" me and miss me?? Like...seriously?? What, Austin fulfilled your sex drive so you come walking back up to my door wanting something real? Oh, and once you get 'starved' enough you gon' kick me right back to the curb to go get you some then, what, I suppose you'll come knockin' on my door for a 5th round! Damn, boy, see this is classic and the good thing is that at the very least you aren't blind enough to know what a GOOD THING is and what a real woman's love is. Obviously Austin ran out of place to hold you so you were forced to come back home, so you may as well hit up 'that girl' to keep you entertained. Oh, yea, I'm "that girl", that girl who did you right and with respect and patience and showed unfailing commitment to the promise I made to my GOD way before your sad self came along, a character of strong moral value, a woman who knows what it means to be a servant, a best friend, a wife, who knows how to hang, yea - THAT girl. That was me. And you completely demolished the bridge that lead to me three months ago at 4 in the morning.

Now, boss I ain't sayin' I don't want you, and I ain't sayin' I don't still feel for you, but guy, go on and start gatherin' that wood, the strong kind, 'cause there ain't no way in this life or the next that you will EVER reach me by means of the last bridge which has been DESTROYED. And by this I simply mean the bridge that will reach me will be built by the hands of a different man 'cause the old you has been rejected.

- Desiree' Magee

My Partner / A Deeper Look / A Believers' Sole Mission

Some might have asked "Where was she tonight?" Well, she was at the park of course! and she comes bearing more deep thoughts to share...

Where to start... Well, first I began my visit with the usual thoughts of my love. I think often on him and I mean often as in about 80% of my thoughts are on him alone. I try not to Jesusify him and his appearence as the coming of some messiah, but in this world and with my heart it is very challenging; I do look ever forward to meeting him! I often listen to songs and imagine it's his voice speaking to me. The most listened to songs like this are "All or Nothing" by Theory of a Deadman followed by Michael Buble''s "Haven't Met You Yet", Rob Schneiders' "40 Dogs", and The Four Seasons' "Save it for Me." It's a comfort to hear what he might say to me now or later and it makes me feel closer to him...wherever he is...

On human terms and speaking on a spiritual level I believe I am a force to be reackoned with. I believe God made two kinds of people: Spiritually weak and Spiritually strong although this is a very broad statement. Some can be spiritually strong while remaining apart from God while some of those willingly under God's authority remain spiritually weak. Perhaps a better use of words would be: Those who are Followers and those who are Leaders. I believe I am a leader and have been for quite some time. And I feel when a leader also possess that which makes them Spiritually strong they can be seen as even greater a soul - on a mere human level. I'm not at all stating I am - better - than anyone. I'm simply saying that God made me strong and He made me this way for a reason. He designed me as a strong, independent, wise, spiritual, and passionate leader and although I don't understand exactly what for yet I do believe He made me for a great purpose - as He made everyone, apparently, but their purpose is not my concern: I am currently focused on reaching and speaking about my own designated goal. With this I can only believe that He has made some where out there a man with the means to at least equal mine or lead further in his own strength and leadership. I say this in not just a spiritual level, but in a wordly level as well. It will take a strong and independant man to lead me and truely satisfy me as a student, as a woman. Thus far I've yet to meet a man like that. I thought I met him, but his weaknesses cut him down in my eyes not to mention he cut me (the strength in the relationship) out of his own life. Psychology is crazy... Anyway. This is really all in reference to a previous blog of mine which states simply that not just any guy is gonna do, even if he is a 'Christian.' I believe the Lord designated me to do something great. It may not stand out in history or anything like that and possibly may not extend pass the borders of my town. But I was designed for something great for Him and I am believing more and more that the man God has for me - joined with me we will be a great spiritual team and no less. We'll be like the cop partners, he'll kick in the door with his gun drawn and I'll be right behind him watchin' his back with my gun drawn, watchin' everything in sight. We'll come to destroy demons! I don't know...I feel Spirit moving in me and I can't believe anymore that the man I'm to be with will need my leadership and teaching like others from my past did due to their spiritual weakness. Plus it's just tiring, teaching a student who is too stubborn to learn or simply think they understand more than you.

My friend was telling me how he told his friend at work about what I exposed him to about the music industry and all it's occult reference in various artists such as Lady Gaga. His friend said basically that she found it hard to believe that the Illuminati would choose Lady Gaga as their leader. LOL! See, that's just the thing my friend doesn't seem to grasp. Their leader??? I beg greatly to differ! She's just a mere cheerleader! A insignificant pawn in the greater scheme and especially below those who are truely in leadership of the evil occult. I wish my friend wouldn't be so narrow minded, but although intelligent on a level of sorts he often opporates on a more shallow and cosmetic level than I seem to which is simply to say that he misunderstands much of what is truely beneath the paint, often seeing only the paint. My other friend is similar, but she seems to grasp a greater understanding of it than he does. Granted I am no scholar in the New World Order, it's happenings, it's leaders, or it's inner workings, but I am not at all so naive to think that Lady Gaga, Rhianna, and Beyonce' are not the very least or our concerns in this.

Really we shouldn't be concerned at all. To be made aware is one thing, but to assume you can over-come it is another. There is only One who is deemed not only Worthy, but powerful enough to defeat the very minor figures that want to bully us. When you put absolute faith in Jesus Christ Who is God and all He has said all along and has proved in the past to worry about or concern yourself with those who are so much less of you because of He who is in you is foolish. There is only one goal we believers are comissioned for and that is to spread the Word of the Gospel of Christ to win souls over to Him so that they may also enter into His presence and paradise when the world and all who love it deal their cards to perish with he who is in the world. And that's it. We are not suppose to 'make things better' in this world, we are not called to 'heal the world' nor to indefinately fend off those who wish harm against us. Rather we are to embrace the fact that this current world was never intended to be our home; we do not belong here. We are to care for one another. We are to strengthen one another. We are, yes to protect one another, but there are certain battles which are too great for us - thus the battle belongs to the LORD! To He alone who can conquer both the day and the night. Anyone preaching to take this world as our own from those who wish us demolished is not in the Lord's command. This world will not get better. It's not. Quit dreaming. The Bible says to the contrary that destruction IS coming, the enemy WILL rule for a time, and innocent 'blind' people WILL perish. There is nothing you can do to stop what the Lord God of all has Himself confirmed will happen.

Your mission, Christian is simple: Spread the Gospel of Christ Jesus. Get the Word out of His sacrifice and it's purpose. Tell those who are lost of the Good News, because horrid death is coming for those who won't have heard it. Nothing else should have greater meaning in your life.

- Desiree` Magee

To love or not to love! - THAT...line is truely over rated...

I have come to realise...that...I...am a sucker for love. It's true. Yes, I ...hone in on a certain guy, I day dream about him, I create feelings for him, and I long for him alone. I have only once in my life had two crushes at the same time. I am so loyal to a point that I won't even cheat on my crushes, lol! And unfortunately I have possibly misguided myself of the term "in love" in that because of this singling out I believe he means something truer to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my feelings for any one guy in my past were false. I'm simply saying that I feel something inside and I make it grow. I encourage my heart to love him and cherish him and adore him more. Thus far there has only been one man in my past that I felt a pure and honest affection and loyalty for and even to this day I am not angry with how he treated me in our end. But I let those natural feeling - though improper - consume me and so I allowed them to become even greater than perhaps I possibly even felt. I did love him and quite honestly I still do. But perhaps...just maybe...I didn't love him AS much as I thought I did. Perhaps the greater feelings were simply encouraged by myself and with the help of the enemy of this world who's bent on bringing us all down. The question I am attempting to build up to is How will I know when the right man comes along!? If I fall head over heels with the boy in 4th period, or my brothers friend, or the guy with the guitar, the manager at work, and, yes, the boy at IHOP how will I know when my feelings are genuine for a man?? Will I feel even more enthralled when I fall for him? Or is this just who I am - a puzzle piece in need of the puzzle piece that fits. That thought makes me kinda sad, though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates. It just makes me kinda sad, because I want to believe I was made FOR him, and not simply to FIT with him. I want to believe my understand was placed in his heart at conception as his was placed with mine. Or could my failed relations have shaped me to be the woman he needs or his failed relations shape him as well? of the whole I'm still the same heart I was years ago. All that's really changed is experience. I now know how to do what I could before but even better and vice versa. Granted, my first love took the brunt of my negative passions and thus showed me how not to treat someone. My second love required much patience and fragility which helped tame the negative passions more so and instilled a sense of how to truely love and care for someone. And my 3rd love...well...I'm not sure what to say there. I'm not entirely sure what he taught me about me so far. Perhaps his purpose was to teach me not about myself, but about men such as him ingeneral - that what they say and believe does not reflect what they will display in their actions and decisions. That just because a man glorifies the woman you are with his words does not mean he'll glorify you with his loyalty and security. I suppose my 3rd love taught me to watch out for the world of the types of men who may or may not mean well, but regardless who will turn from you, leave you alone, and generally neglect you. Perhaps the reason I can't see any possible teachings this has about who I am is because I may still be blinded by anger for how I felt he tricked me and abandoned me. I suppose my 3rd love came as close to the man I am searching for and the true lesson to learn hear was just because he seems 'it' doesn't mean he is 'it' - even if he says he is.

As for Tyler...well...there's just another dead end, I suppose. Really I was hesitant about him in the first place. He is very sweet and very adorable, but he seems like he has a ways to go spiritually before he could measure up to any kind of spiritual leader I would need as a Christian woman. So it remains - Here I am. Desiree'. Feeling all on my own. Needing my 'Adam' to serve and love and cherish and adore and hoping this time I'll meet the man who will treat me the same way....* sigh* .... Hey, so J, what's that news guy's name anyway...??

- Desiree` Magee

When I Think of You

I think of innocence and youth.

I think of respect given,

More conviction needed.

I think of a kind heart with lots of love

A minor lack of understanding,

Viewing past actions in proper place

I see a comfort in eyes that make subtle statements

A face of a boy not grown but not a baby

Physical strength that would do no harm

A stern figure I can’t remember too well

I think of naivety, perhaps being clueless

I even think of possible smoothness

Perhaps I could see that you’re playing a role

A pillar or a pillow

A child-like glance that gives me slight discomfort

Not moving over to give you more room

A confusion practically consuming my thought process

An almost frantic panic enough to kneel to my floor at night

I think of days feeling like weeks

I think of a number you’ll probably never reach

I think of worrying what I might find out

Gentleness and playfulness

The possibility of you just wanting to reach out

Because “at home” you can’t.

I think of a night I was alone and suddenly I wasn’t

Of pleasant thoughts that could be easily stolen

Of compliments I’ve never heard before

Of a feeling you gave me then took back

Then gave to me again and I lost it.

Of playing a game I don’t like

I think of a longing for something almost different
Of a reluctant feeling to find it’s probably not.

- Desiree` Magee

NiGHTS Review of Movie SKYLINE

It was horrible. Simply a presentation created with the sole intent to fulfill the visual lusts of the simple minded and those only looking to be 'entertained.' There was no real creativity in the story line, the characters, their dialogue, or even a sound 'moral' or true thought provoking concept unless you count the lame (and I might mention quite random!) "love conquers all!" bit toward the end that seemed to just be thrown in there because the director didn't want to let the main characters die.
I give it an unwavering thumbs down. It is one among many unfortunate representations of what it means to "create" a movie, a story these days.

On an ending note: It was just another cash cow to dumb down society for what is truely coming.

You better run on to meet your Maker ;)

- Desiree' Magee

Likeness

My love interests have varied in personality traits, image, and behavior. What I mean to say is I apparently am not prone to a 'type' as in "he's not my type" as they all looked, dressed, acted, and spoke their feelings very differently from one another while baring little resemblence in any other area.�However; it seemed they all had one thing in common and that was their 'dark side' or issues as all if not most of us, I now assume, have.�

My first love�was a misfit inside and out with a troubled past and view on life. Since before our time has come I sought to love him unconditionally and make my allegiance to the God of love and�Who is love�evident in my plight in hopes I would persuade him to turn to Him.�Beneathe the "dark" exterior, however�beat a warm, loveable, and unguided�heart. He was very�bright and often indulged in such things as intellectually stimulating video games in attempts to naturally dominate, but more so to expand his own intellect and instinct as the bright young man he was.

My second love interest was older�and a�musician with quite a venue where very real obstacles and emotional backage were stored. He had a troubled heart in that his reality was twisted and misinterpreted�by his natural feelings that seemed to�drive him. Regardless I sought to show him love without holding back, always forgiving, always patient. He was�a toughtful and often unspoken�type yet he once told me he was cosidered by some to be 'popular' among his peers. He was, however, underneath it all an extremely sensitive and loveable soul,�needing to love and�be�loved,�and took note of�more than he often�let on. He simply craved a�sense of importance and to be encouraged to feel�that he mattered, that his feeings were weighed.

My 3rd love was not considerably older, but older also. At first it seemed he was the package deal. I even went as far as to tell my mother that I thought he was "the one." He was the "simple" kind of man, yet had deep emotions embedded in his actions and thoughts. His�at first gave off the sense of having a lighter�heart, but I came to find that his light heartedness was in reality an attempt to escape the darkness that lurked beneathe. He was the 'laid back' type who didn't care to dwell in emotions and in�deep thought which he seemed to desperately fight by indulging in such things as�alchohol, back-to-back movies or�TV in general,�and losing himself in whatever task he deemed fit at the time - especially in the work area. He was a completely different person at work than he was at play. Extremely. Regardless of the emotional depravities he seemed to seek not simply "love" but�companionshipa�and a sense that he was the pillar and wouldn't be abandoned. However; scars from the past seemed to put him in a position to lack trust in letting anyone get too close - in our relation's case, me.�

Tyler hugged me tonight :) It was cute ^_^ I gave him this weak half hug crap, because�while my mind was spinning�I also didn't want to give off...too much of an impression.�Unfortunately another day has passed when I have only been able to continue gathering tid�bits of information about the boy here and there in order to place them into the bigger picture.�And I am most impatient.��
I wonder what kind of soul he is. I can only assume he, like my other interests, is almost entirely different from them as he looks completely different from them. I wonder how he comunicates, what his demons are, how he deals with them, and how he handles life in general. Is he kind, is he patient? Does he know what to say and how to say it? But above all where does he place his trust and hope and if not does he have a shallow thought process and in truth does not really think himself and his situations through. So many questions and it's much too early to be asking them. But this is what I do. I find an interest - and I�desire to�learn more.

- Desiree' Magee

"I Notice You"

Nadia and I paid a visit to IHOP tonight... ^_^ ... I like the way he looks at me. I have little to no inhabition to admit that that is the very occurence that keeps me going back. Still I want to know more about what's going on behind the "I notice you" gaze.

He got to sit down with us for a few minutes to talk. He even told me he usually comes into work an hour early if I wanted to come 'hang out.' Awe!

I must say I am getting more and more curious about this boy... however, this is a very typical trait in myself when someone has caught my attention, so I won't let myself go off the deep in with this fact alone. I'm trying to get over the younger thing, but it's still getting to me a bit. When I look in his face I try not to see a 'boy', but it's so difficult! lol In truth I can't at this point see myself looking...right with him. But let's not jump ahead, no let's not lose our pretty little head, now!
He was telling me his schedule, but.......I could barely connect his words in my brain as he said them. I was trying to concentrate on keeping eye contact so...most of what he said went in one hear and out the other. Luckily Nadia took a pen in hand and wrote it down for me later, LOL!
I made mention of the note I had left him (which I mentioned also in my blog "The Boy") and he said our waiter had told him that Matthew had written him the note! LOL! Tyler asked if Matthew was gay, lolol. I told him no and that it was I who had written the note. (By the way he told me he still has it!) Considering you he was under the misinformed belief that Matthew was the one to have left the note it's curious as to why he kept it...! lol He made it very clear in a similar topic, however, that he is not gay! lol The waiter I gave the note to, however, is extremely gay! and you would be a fool to miss this, lol! According to Tyler the waiter in question seems to have the hots for him, lolol! Too funny. Anyway. I told Tyler of the initial insignia on the note which is my classic "DM" incircled. Upon mine and Nadia's departure from the restaurant this evening I again wrote my insignia on a piece of paper to hand to him - to clear nay misconceptions in the future! to which Nadia added "When you see that (insignia) you know Desiree` wrote it!" lol At first he didn't bother looking to see what was even written on the paper, but looked in my eyes, smiled, took it and said "Thank you."........eee!
Wow. Girlish excitement. Awe, it's been a while! ^_^

I have tomorrow evening off. I have various possibilities! First off i need to meet with an old friend to discuss some 'intellectual topics' if you will then later that evening I'll probably be with my buddies! Maybe we'll even stop by IHOP that 'hour early' ;) Who knows!

It's very late. I should have been in bed hours ago. Goodnight all! And remember: If you don't already know Jesus He knows you! Run with that ;)

Goodnight ;)

-Desiree` Magee

The Boy

As with most things that mark an impression in me I take to my blog once again!

Two weeks ago from this day I was alone at IHOP. I had just come from the nightly NOW conference and didn't feel like going home just yet and it had been a while since I had gone to eat on my own. So there I was when suddenly I caught eyes with a young man walking by. What really caught me was his stare wasn't simply "Hi, welcome to IHOP" but more of a... "Hello. I notice you." He made this visual statement about two more times that evening. I tried to make it apparent that I noticed him too by looking directly at him until I had to blush and shy away. After all, sabes que I'm single again, I can do that!! He came by my table and asked me if I was doing okay, if I might like more sweet tea. I told him I was doing okay to which he smiled softly and walked away....Well, what else could I have said?!? Once that same evening he walked by my table smiling softly, looked directly in my eyes as he did so to which I unexpectedly giggled slightly and attacked my tea to cover my unfortunate girly happenstance. I'm sure he caught this. Another moment that evening I had been trying not to make my interest SO obvious and thus was staring at a picture on the IHOP wall beside me. It was a photo of the original menu from 1960 - like I cared. He happened upon my apparent interested gaze and asked me what I was looking at. He then made some comment or another that he never noticed the image before.
Upon my departure I pulled my waitress aside and asked her "What do you know about that boy?" There wasn't much she had to tell of him except that he out of all the other men in the restaurant was always willing to lend a helping hand here and there especially when it came to carrying something that seemed too heavy for her. She refered to him as, and I quote, "a real man" to which I replied "Oh! is that so!"

Curiosity got the best of me the next evening as I again returned to the same IHOP after the 3rd day of the NOW Conference. I told myself "It's a free country and maybe I'm just in the mood for IHOP! I'm not here for him, I'm just going to take my seat and mind my own business and if I see him I see him and if I don't I don't, 'cause sabes que, I got more important things on my mind!"
As I walked in the door I met eyes with the boy as he stood behind the register.
"Oh, hello there!" I must have said. At first he seemed to take a second to regain his memory of me, because he said "Oh, yea, you were looking at the menu on the wall." Perhaps he didn't want to appear obvious that he did in fact remember me with or without the 1960's menu. Or maybe he honestly did need a second to recall my face. I may never know...
He guided me to my seat, asked me what I would like to drink, then proceeded to aquire my sweetend beverage that is the greatness that is sweet tea. Upon his departure my waitress introduced herself and asked me what I would like to drink. At this moment the boy had returned behind her with my tea so I pointed to him and said "That." ...I hope I was the only one who caught the humor of that unfortunate statement..." For the first moment the boy seemed to show slight interest in another girl sitting at another table with her laptop. I slightly synged with jealousy. However; that jealousy was soon over come when the boy returned to me and began striking up a conversation with me. After a few minutes had passed in this conversation he asked if he might sit with me. And of course I said 'yes.'
It was a strange thing for me...we skipped around random topics, linking one from another, I suppose, for about 15 minutes or so. I wasn't giddy. I could look him in his eyes...for the most part...and talk normally. However; the food I had ordered was getting cold, 'cause let's be honest - how awkward is it to EAT the first time you sit down with a possible interest especially when you're the only one eating! I did offer him some, but he said he had already eaten.
After the initial warm-up topic of what each others tattoos meant I touched very lightly on my awareness of the New World Order and the Illuminati. Pretty heavy, I know, but as I said I only touched on it! He was aware of the "New World Order" but only seemed to find the word "Illuminati" sound slightly familiar....I was a bit disappointed.
Naturally, to win interest points, I mentioned my part in Goodnight Avenue and all it's relatives. He thought that was pretty cool. Score.
I spoke simi-lightly of my faith and that it was the most important aspect to me of my life. He touched on his own faith - also being Christianity. He told me of his family of athiests, and though he didn't say how, he told me of his own discovery and belief in Christ. My heart smiled at this, but upon hearing the way he spoke of it and observing certain statements he made it seems to me he might still be very young in his Christian walk. Should this be true it could prove to be quite a inconvenience for me, but not an impossibility I suppose.....I've tired so of being the spiritual guide for past love interests and crave an equal spiritual partner. But this thought it for later.
The boy shared some of his past regrets with me that landed him into trouble with the law a few years ago. I won't devulge that information, but I'll say only that he's still getting some things taken care of in regards to those poor choices. With this my interest grew. I seem to have a thing for guys who've made bad choices and then conciously turned from them. It shows a greatness of character.
I'm sure we touched on other topics within those 15 minutes as he visited with me while waiting for his ride although I don't recall any others.

You may find it strange of me to refer to this young man of possible interest as "the boy" but I'll tell you why. Much to my discomfort he told me of his age which is 19 years old.....yea......discomfort...and I told him mine. He didn't flinch. He assured me he has always seemed to behave older than most guys his age and made some negative reference to most young people his age - not just guys. I had to agree as I have had the same issue in my own mental level of maturity.
It seems most of my past interests have been further from my age but...they were older not younger! I don't necessarily have a problem dating someone older. What I DO have a problem with is dating someone younger! But this, mind you, is all to say if I even get a chance with this guy although...with these few things in mind as stated here...I'm concerned if I should just stay away :(

When time came for the boy's ride to arrive he rose and I'm sure mentioned something to politely make know of his enjoyment of my company. I don't recall exactly. As he stood he reached down to shake my hand and we asked in exact unison "What was your name?"

His name is Tyler.

Last Sunday evening Matthew, Nadia, and I happened to arrive at IHOP for desert. Okay...maybe we didn't "happen" upon IHOP entirely, but it wasn't like I had to beg them.
After our usual game of musical chairs we each found a spot which we felt comfortable in, making sure I faced inward of the restaurant where Tyler would be working, and making sure Matthew sat opposite of me and Nadia beside to express the appearance that there is, in fact, no man in my life. Yes. Such are the rules of the single young lady on the prowl.
Throughout the night Tyler, with little to no, it may seem, inhabitions regardless of my friends presence made it a point to connect his sight to mine as he passed saying again the first thing he visually said to me two weeks ago which was "Hello. I notice you." Nadia thought this to be adorable.
The night must have been busy for Tyler, because he rarely showed on the floor that night and when he did he kept his eye on his lady manager who he stated, although unforunate to me, was "on her period." I introduced him to my friends and shortly after he darted back into the kitchen area as his manager seemed to become aware of his presence on the floor. But it was time for us to go so I left him a note that read "Bye, Tyler! See you next time." along with my self-famous DM signature. ...I wonder if he kept the note....UH, ANYWAY, heh....After our meal and the rest of the night my thoughts would drift to Tyler only momentarily. Curiosity to know more about him, to study him, to talk with him...

I went back last night. I figured the first time I had shown two nights in a row so perhaps it wouldn't seem strange to perform this act again.
I had seen him through the window as I walked up to the entrance, but it took a good 20 minutes or so for him to re-appear from the kitchen. He didn't see me at first. I think it was the second time he came out did his eyes catch mine...and he smiled softly again and visually spoke only a hint of that "I notice you" message. It must have been another busy night, because he was in and out. I played it cool. Rarely looked over when I knew he was there. At last I intentially lifted and turned my eyes to see him as if I hadn't known he was there...well, I didn't want to appear obvious! He smiled and waved to me with his fiingers..you know, like...guys...do....lol...to a girl...like all cute style...I can't explain it here, but it was a flirty kind of wave. Anyhow...I must have been there for 40 minutes or so. Maybe even an hour. I was growing tired of hoping he might get a break and come sit with me and my interest in coloring with the child crayons had abandoned me. Twice he got a chance to pass my table as it was on the opposite side of where he was working and walking back and fourth. He spoke light hearted comments to me and continued on as his manager was once again present on the floor.
I had been there long enough, possibly seeming a strange customer - next time I'll bring a book or my laptop - and eventually I took my purse and walked out. I was not able to say goodbye to Tyler this time, because he went into the kitchen and never came out while I remained there. I didn't leave a note this time. One note is friendly. Another seems....too friendly. And I'm not sure I should be so friendly.

I left the restaurant with a sense of hollowness. Not only was I unsure of the possibilty of Tyler, but in general I was alone again.
Nadia thinks I over think too much, but Nadia doesn't know where I am inside. I see someone great coming my way. Someone with the spiritual decernment I have, the wisdom, and the conviction. I can't tell where Tyler truly stands on these things and his 'maturity' while he remains in and out of the kitchen and I sitting alone and embarrassed at the table...

- Desiree`

What You Taught Me

You taught me that as long as I keep throwing my bait our there I will get a bite.
You taught me to open my mind to other sounds I may not have given a chance.
You taught me to have patience and wait for the right time to show myself.
You taught me to feel the pressure of learning what I needed to learn in time to prove it.
You taught me what it's like to think of names for days to finally come to the one that sticks.
You taught me what it's like to finally be in that spot light and not being able to move.
You taught me to almost forget the words, because we were short a mic.

You taught me how to dread the sound of a latch falling.
You taught me to feel a school yard hollowness.
You taught me to disappear from sight and wonder if anyone might look for me.
You taught me to keep my phone at arms length and it's volume maxed.
You taught me to wonder in and out of possibilities that otherwise would be pillow day-dreams.
You taught me to let my imagination run.
You taught me to be willing to keep my distance just so I could stay close.

You taught me to realize what I felt was not alone.
You taught me to lay on my bedroom floor wondering 'Did that just really happen...?'
You taught me to feel my hands shaking as you got closer and the instinct to avoid it.
You taught me to lose my appetite when you questioned me.
You taught me to want nothing more, but to get home and be alone.
You taught me to drive down the highway and stop at a land mark.
You taught me things may not be what they seem.

You taught me to fight for someone who isn't understood.
You taught me to counsel someone who wants to fight.
You taught me to focus on only those good traits and forgive the bad.
You taught me to have and show patience and kindness no matter what.
You taught me to stand up for someone who just needed a true friend.
You taught me to see beneath what others couldn't.

You taught me to gaze at the stars.
You taught me to find a place where I alone would go to ponder on all things.
You taught me to keep communicating with God.
You taught me to seek the truth for my heart.

You taught me to turn on myself.
You taught me to ignore what God was saying.
You taught me to fall farther.
You taught me to feel jaded.
You taught me to long for something with all my heart knowing it wasn't real.
You taught me to cry when I was alone.
You taught me to dream when I was awake.
You taught me to feel isolated in a world that surrounded me.
You taught me to love my misery.

You taught me to long with all I am.
You taught me to believe with all I had.
You taught me to encourage someone who didn't have the confidence to fly.
You taught me to give all I had.
You taught me to love without holding back.
You taught me to day dream of a life so surreal and ignore reality.
You taught me to be willing to sacrifice so much to prove my love.
You taught me what true love is.
You taught me to remain loyal when I wasn't asked to.
You taught me to ask myself "Is this worth it?"
You taught me to long with all I am to say "Yes!"

You taught me to look forward to a day.
You taught me to love the view in my drive way.
You taught me to wait anxiously for a car door.
You taught me to hope it would happen more.
You taught me to talk for hours.
You taught me to feel anxious to reach over.
You taught me to joke around.
You taught me to move to music.
You taught me to find meaning in almost every song.
You taught me to turn the bass up in my car.
You taught me to accept a gift I didn't ask for.
You taught me to recover it when it was missing.

You taught me to feel eyes staring.
You taught me to ignore what I knew was on your mind.
You taught me to lose my train of thought.
You taught me to ramble on even when I myself didn't care.
You taught me to pull away when I only wanted to come close.
You taught me to wait.
You taught me to long to fly to what I felt and ignore it altogether.

You taught me to wonder everyday "When will this end?'
You taught me to desire something so greatly that it hurt.
You taught me to feel guilt in my heart for wanting something I wanted to believe in.
You taught me to fool myself to believe it was worth it.
You taught me to feel nothing, but guilt in a kiss.
You taught me that dreams that come true don't always feel how you hope.

You taught me to start planning the end of my trial.
You taught me to second guess if I really wanted to go on.
You taught me to wonder if you would be gone forever.

You taught me to feel the sting of words that weren't true.
You taught me to lose my control.
You taught me to take it day by day.

You taught me how people can turn.
You taught me that I can't make someone truely love me.
You taught me how someone who was so close to me could deliberately hurt me.
You taught me that some people will love me for what I give them.

You taught me to find God again.
You taught me to draw ever closer to Him.

You taught me how to be bitter.
You taught me that no matter how much good I did I was scorned.
You taught me to cry over hurtful words.
You taught me to understand all along what you were really doing.
You taught me to continue looking under the surface.
You taught me to see the love in the hate.
You taught me to feel as though I still mattered by the compacity of your anger.
You taught me to love you anyway.

You taught me who I don't want to be when I grow up.
You taught me to never let my heart be consumed with grudges and bitterness.
You taught me to love everyone with all my heart and never be cruel, never assume, and always show my love.
You taught me to feel sorrow when I realised you didn't learn from my love.
You taught me to realise how cruel words can hurt hearts.
You taught me to always forgive.
You taught me to long to be a more loving person than you as I get older.

You taught me to walk with God again.
You taught me what not to look for in a man.
You taught me that even though I loved you with all my heart and still do I can never let you back in it.
You taught me to go back in time to remember a smile, a laugh, a song.
You taught me to long for those days when I could hold your hand.
You taught me to wish I could reach for your hair again.
You taught me that even though so much has happened I still miss you.
You taught me to always bring your memory up.
You taught me to love hearing your name still.
You taught me to love talking about you.
You taught me to wish my friends would quit bringing you up.
You taught me that I'll always love you and treasure the good AND bad things and I don't think I'll ever be able to capture all you taught me in words.

Above all you taught me that you never truely stop loving someone; you just learn to live without them...and pray they haven't forgotten all you taught them.

- Desiree` Magee

Dead Horse

You're so pathetic, seeming a useless tool
Taking your chance within my glance
Then turn around all over again
All over again
What has ever been too much to ask of you??
And now you sit here wondering if I'm talking to you
Yes, to you - I AM talking to YOU.

Just what turned you into my enemy?
Was it when I did what was right?
When I continued to fulfill my duty by dismissing you from my life?
My life, my life
You would never belong in my life
Never again would I let you in
I was lying through my smile when I called you my friend

Because you can never be what could save me
You will never satisfy my desires, take me higher
You would always let me down, let me drown
And so you are nothing to me

So where are you now, oh broken king?
I can see you standing in the same hole chanting
"Bring the cage all over again!"
"All over again!"
Where is your heart? and how dare you lose it
Sitting there wondering "Are these words to me?"
Yes, to you - I AM talking to YOU.

You chose to lay all blame on me
Forget that I told you to stay away
Even after the heart ache pain you can't shut your mouth from what you say
You say, you say
It's really a joke, all you say
Never again would I let you in
I was lying through my hand when I told you we were friends

Because you can never be what could save me
You will never satisfy my desires, take me higher
You would always let me down, let me drown
And so you are nothing to me

- Desiree` Magee

Nonbelief

I may have fallen asleep in your arms last night

‘Cause when I awoke this morning I felt insecure

Like that demon was looming till I walked out the door

Later on I seemed to forget, paying little attention to that loneliness

Just another day to pass when I ask “What is my point?”

　

You can flag our message of hope

As if you can stomp out the power

Ignore our purpose to help your self-center cope

Some day maybe our voice will reach you

You’re so far now

And you’ll want to listen and accept the Truth

　

A similar awakening happened again today

But this time it came with a different plan

I was given method through which I may reach the heart of man

Later on I suffered your shoulder as you turned it colder

Just another day to silence, know of your violence,

What is YOUR point?

　

You can flag our message of hope

As if you can stomp out the power

Ignore our purpose to help your self-center cope

Some day maybe our voice will reach you

You’re so far now

And you’ll want to listen and accept the Truth

　

- Desiree` Magee

NOW / New Band / Red Flags

Well...I attended all these days of the NOW Conference and honestly...I don't feel I got anything from it save what I believe I already have and the feeling of slight discomfort, lol. It wasn't bad, but truely I don't feel it really spoke to me. I had hoped for a more theme and/or goal-oriented message to be received, but really it was more like a revival and tool for new recruits... I guess I was just looking for something less broad, something more specific with a particular target...that's what I think I'm looking to be apart of... Anyway...now I'll set in the dark upon my knees, pause for a moment listening to the fan blow, open my mouth in silence for a moment and then say "Well.....what now...??".. *sigh*

Meanwhile I felt the Lord spoke to me yesterday on musical terms. People are always saying to use your talents for the Lord and it could possibly do hand in hand with my desire to minister to the outside world. I decided to seek a band that teeters between the more secular human heart and Christian heart. My hope is to reach non believers, draw them in, then expose the other side to them...somehow...I know with God's help it will happen. Only thing is I'm rarely 100% sure my ideas are God's ideas...I do know that if He wants to use me in this way then all I have to do is let Him 'guide my heart' ^_^ So far I've gotten a response from one guy who says he's actually putting together the same thing and stated that perhaps God was influencing us separately. I certainly hope so. He pretty much already has a band together and is looking for a lead vocalist - how wonderful! And I'm looking for everything he has that I know of so far. I gave him my number so we could talk more in depth about what we're each looking for so I certainly hope to hear from him ^_^ I'm really eager to get to God's work....I'm getting so anxious...and a little frustrated with how long it seems to be taking.

On another topic there is this bus boy at IHOP who is so cute and seems so sweet, but tonight when we sat down together and had a talk I realised the usual story and cute & sweet just ain't gonna cut it! I would just melt if I sat down with a guy for once and did NOT get red flags in the first conversation :.. But of course then I would fall in love, because that would be the man God has for me ^_^ Actually...there was this one guy that I had a few conversations with and I got no red flags at all...the only thing that was wrong with that was in my own heart - I just...couldn't feel about him that way...which is most unfortunate I feel, because he was the most suitable man I and others could see myself with. Oh well. God's obviously up to something even better, right? :D

It is now getting late and I must get back into full work-swing tomorrow now that the conference is over >:.. Having two jobs is getting on my nerves... Goodnight, all :)

- Des-to-the-ree`

Simply Won't Do

I feel like something's coming... When I hit my revelation a few weeks ago the future relationship with the man I am to marry undoubtedly came into play. One time, and I don’t recall when exactly, I feel the Lord has called me to witness in some type of mission. Granted all believers have the sole task to witness the Gospel to non-believers, but I feel God has called me to do so in a greater aspect, but of course this is not to down-play any other method! I simply mean I feel this is to play a great role in my life and…I simply cannot be with anyone who doesn’t feel and want to do the same. In the past I have loved those who were obviously wrong for me, I have loved those who “would do.” Although my faith is of the utmost importance I now realize that it will take more than that for a man to spark my interest in the future. It will take a definite play in God’s work on his part, an obvious show of not simply believing, but contributing to that faith. I’ve never been involved with a guy who was truly active in his Christian role. After I felt the Lord speak to me through that trial I realized that no other man will do, but one who puts his thoughts in the Lord’s thoughts, dwells on them, studies them, longs to hear from Him, longs to win others to Him…That’s what I long to do and for a while now I’ve longed to do more, to be more, to reach my fullest potential as a Christian that I can on this earth while I am still here. For a long time I’ve always felt the Lord was calling me to do something great with my life and I think this may be it. I had thought often about what I would study in college, what I should become, where I should go and all of my dreams seemed to flutter to the ground shortly after their flight. And what would it really matter if I became a psychologist, performer, manager, business owner…? Certainly these things are good, but I want to do even greater, something that doesn’t just count in this life, but the one coming, the one I’m meant for, the one that all should see and have their hearts set on. I’m not saying I won’t pursue a career, but I long to chase after my mission as a believer in Christ, something more than simply a bank account to invest in when really that‘s what a career is. I want to go even further…I just need to figure out what He wants me to do now..

There’s a three-day conference coming to town that I so want to attend. I’m hoping my manager will let me off those three nights. I trust if God wants me to be there it will happen.

How my heart would swell if I were to be given to a minister or at least public speaker for Christ. That would touch me in such a way. I do not want to sit back as a mere church-goer and I don’t want to live my life with someone who wants that either. I want- I need someone who desires more out of his Christian heart, desires more from what actions he takes, where he places his goal…I can almost feel him in my head. Strangely when I went through that dark area a few weeks ago not only did I draw even closer to my God, but I honestly feel like somehow I know who I am to love a little more…I feel as if God has told me about him simply by putting these fierce desires for the man he I need him to be. I may even go as far as to say the man I’m meant to be with may be a pastor or at least on his way to some time of public ministry. I would adore to see my man up on the pulpit, sharing his faith with others, but not just as a pastor in a church. I’m telling you, I want to go farther than that. I want to be apart of something big, a revival, a large ministry, a public mission…something…bigger than Sunday morning and evening… I need to do more than attend church. It simply won’t do. There is a desire and longing I feel God placed in my heart that I simply cannot settle for anything less than fulfilling those desires and I personally cannot settle for a man who wants any less in his heart.

- Desiree` Magee

Dismissing Myself

I don't know how to describe what I feel. I haven't been to my park in a few weeks or so, but tonight I was close by so I had the opportunity and took it. Tonight's is a lovely sky and I found four sparkling stars. I felt confused however, because I only desire one star. I had asked God for my own star a while back and after some time one did appear to my right side as I faced Cottonclub St., but now there are three more and they are just as lovely. I wonder if He speaks to me through the sky...

My mind for the past few days has been at an all too familiar place with some ones memory still in my heart. Little did I know that at this time he would suddenly become so close. If I hadn't been so stunned I would have waved back to him, but I hope he felt my smile. 
My thoughts set on him as I set my iPod to "Best I Ever Had" by Vertical Horizon, but found that single memory fade away as I re-played the track several times while losing my mind in the night sky. There was a road I was walking down in my old neighborhood just then, but I wished it had somehow became longer, because I truly didn't want to be anywhere else but on that side walk in that moment, gazing at one of the stars, hoping it might lift me toward it if I lost myself in it enough.. There was a time on a night like this when the sky was full of the moon and the clouds were of just the right romance that I would climb the roof of my childhood home and sitting there with the Celtic melodies of Enya I would gaze upward. Below me in the kitchen my mother was preparing dinner and if my memory serves me it was spagetti that night. I only did this a couple of times, perhaps five at most and each time I was over whelmed with the passion I have only gotten from losing myself in the night sky.
Tonight was windy and cool and though I had my head phones in my ears seemed quiet. I had so much to think about that I didn't know what to think about and really didn't want to think at all. That's why my spirit broke through when I again noticed the sky and everything else seemed non-existent for a moment, seemed to fade away.. Because the road, I knew wouldn't magically grow I decided to re-trace my steps. Unfortunately standing there wouldn't get me to where I want to go, so I admitted that it was time to make my way back to the park.
I sat on a mound once I reached the park to correctively focus on the sky, but...it just wasn't the same. I missed Savoy's sidewalk.

On my trip back home I again played the same track over several more times while I hung my head half-way out the window. ...One of these days maybe I'll find the one who will feel me..because this emotion is just too wonderful to keep to myself. I hope I've given it some written justice here.

- Desiree` Magee

But Mama Don't Approve

You know what I currently desire? Well I'll tell you..My head has been so full of information and spiritual experience over the passed week - and this is wonderful and I keep wanting to learn more and more - but with all this constantly circulating through my head over the passed week I currently desire - relief! Just some down time to shut my mind off and go into auto-pilot, act silly, move my body around, relax in a way sleep doesn't bring.
I'm thristing more and more to learn more about all I've been looking into, I mean I really do. I am even thinking about going to a course in college where I can learn more on a professional level. Anyway...I may share more of this later, but as of right now...ugh...I just want to close my mind off for a little while and just...have fun! I wanna dance and laugh and be silly...I need a break from my intellectual pursuit.

Tomorrow night my girl and I...are goin' out! You know how long I've been wanting to 'go out?' 8th grade. Since 8th grade I have been wanting to hit up a club and dance and maybe meet some people, but mostly I just want to go out, feel attractice while NOT being behind a mic, and have fun. I have been waiting forever! Now Nadia is FINALLY old enough and she's all "Egh" about it and I'm like "Dude! It's partly your fault I've been waiting this long!" No one wants to go out alone. I am 23 and have yet to step foot in a club. I have yet to hit a dance floor save typical high school dance floors. I have yet to experience what it's really like for someone my age to 'hit the town' or whatever.

Anyway...I'm single. I am single, I'm awesome, and I'm cool. B-) I wanna get out there.

- Desiree`

It's Nothing, but Which?

Standing on a checker board I’m crying “Which way to my King!?” How am I to conquer through this? With the death of my God how can I live? Now I question all I’ve ever lived for. Who then will I run to when hurt touches my fragile heart? It’s like wanting to run to my father in the next room when my brother picks on me, but he’s no longer living and I almost forgot. Then my heart drops. Who will hear me when I cry for the pain to cease? It’s like running to find my mother to patch my wound, but I remember she left and is not coming back so I’m on my own to bandage myself. Who will be there waiting for me to run to with tears slipping from my eyes asking “Why did they do this to me?” It’s being trapped, locked in a school yard of bullies with no teacher there to protect me. With no one standing there or no one who cares to there is nothing more to know than I am truly alone. All alone I’ll mend my own wounds and cry to my own heart for healing, to a body that heals with it’s immune system, to skin that covers over old scratches and penetrations. All alone I’ll find my inner self which is nothing more than a human soul searching for a Creator, a Lover of my soul. And now I’m told…He’s not real. So my pride wells up more than before and I’ve yet to get on my knees, but I ask “Who are you?” With the death of my God I know comes the death of myself and everything I know. It changes everything. If there isn’t a healer and no joy giver what more am I than food for the animals and a punching bag for the ugly? Am I doomed to be trapped in this courtyard with angry people who dine on my insecurities and favor my tears of hatred and sadness? What more is there to live for if I have no leader to report to, no comforter to praise? What is there to work for if there will be no salvation for me in the end? How can I continue on without knowing who is there if there is anyone at all? I want the god I know, the god I cried to, the god I believed in. How can I give my heart to anyone else after dreaming of Him and loving Him? Were all our conversations one sided? Were all my efforts feudal as I did what my heart could only accept? I return with a cloud knowing the demon of this is waiting for me and I cry alone in my bed wishing my God would come back to me and this would all go away, restoring my soul to the place I called proper. Is it better to seek earnestly after truth and fact or is blindness a gift? Was I blind? Is this all real? With no pre-destined goals and rewards and no true purpose of love, with no protector to guide my heart, no friend to calm my fears, no true Lover to love me for all I am and the grace to look past all I’m not how can I do anything else but to just let myself die?

 

- Desiree` Magee

The Name

The Name

What is my living for

If my Friend is missing?

This demon waited in my apartment

But kept calling me while I was out

Tell me; Who are You?

How can I go on if You aren’t really here?

Why should I not release my grip

And just let myself fall?

What is living for

If You’re not my Friend?

Can’t I reach for You and expect Your hand?

Do You even know me?

Tell me; Who are You?

How can I go on if You aren’t really here?

Why should I not release my grip

And just let myself fall?

What if everything is ever false

And all I gave was all in vain

If my own words to comfort others

Were simply mine alone?

And what if the nights I said Your name

Were only attempts to shatter the ceiling

What will I do if it was not You

But my own head gave me those feelings?

Who are You?

Who are You?

Who are You?

Who are You?

Who are You?

This is my attempt

Who are You?

Who are You?

I want to know

Who are You?

Not what man told

But Who are You?

Who are You really?

Please don’t leave me alone

Who are You???????

- Desiree` Magee

In God's Image

We were created in God's image. What does that mean? Do we prepresnt Him physically? or is it something much deeper than flesh?


The followed passage was taken from a message presented by Pastor Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel on 91.1 FM:


"We were made to be spiritual beings, living of the Spirit, being ruled by the Spirit. But we sought to go after the pleasures of the flesh thus we fell from His image."

God Almighty is not of this earth, His thoughts are not our thoughts, His heart is not our heart. Why then would we share even a physical likeness? God is solely a spiritual being. Why if He had the option to make us as complete spiritual (bodiless) beings as He when he created us did He not I do not know. However; as it stands we are bound to this world by our bodies. Our Creator is not. So it is my firm belief that the scripture that says we were created in His image does not mean physical, but much deeper - in spirit. Otherwise the Lord would also be bound to this earth if He shared our physical realm. He obviously is not as He ascended from the mountain into the Heavens shortly after the Sacrifice.

So with this said - how about you? Does the scripture refer to us being His physical counterparts or is it something more?

- Desiree` Magee

A Greater Piece

What will I do with my brain?
I'm a slave to mind control in my head,
Toying with a story line that is all too real
Today I was thinking how I rarely think of you now

He was so kind to me
While he embraced my wounds
Meanwhile my affections were with reality
All I can say is "He makes me feel safe."

How can I live or remember those before or to come?
I often wonder if I'm alone
Knowing what I know of the evil around
Should I bother living at all?

I'm heading to my mother to wish her well
This makes me think often on how lovely it would be in my world
I too often dream of who is wrong

I keep mulling over on
How I can live or remember those before or to come?
I often wonder if I'm alone
Knowing what I know of the evil around
Should I bother living at all?

There's a hollow point and it tends to scare me
It's like this is all in a daze...
Am I awake?
Is this all real?
I feel so disassociated

 Desiree` Magee

Tu-Float

In passed days, about two years or so I've come to unfortunante aquaintances with some real characters. What I mean to say is the attacks keep coming in shapes and sizes of all types it seems! Man... if I were only at liberty to elaborate further on these people I would indulge myself.  But that's not the character I want to be, significantly soiling the names of others. I really shouldn't say anything, because words cannot sum up my complete and udder astonishment of these people and their actions regarding myself. I mean...in my head it's a completely different world, but this earth is inhabited by those who are not of my heart and thoughts (and certainly not the Lord's) so it's like a head trip when real people swell up these issues in my life where as I could never do what they do or say what they say. It becomes amazing to me, because I have trained myself to NOT say and do so many things so when I witness them I ask myself "Did that really just happen?  No...no...that's impossible..." I suppose I'm typing this, because I simply feel the need to say something some where and if I speak it directly to those responsible for the feelings I would only create drama and I...certainly don't need any more of that.

I just had a lovely conversation with an old friend and I feel much better now :) Just when I begin to falter the Lord sends someone who needs His wisdom through me and in giving it I (He) enlighten(s) and encourage(s) m(e)yself ^_^

God is good!! It's amazing how good, I wish I could express to more!

- Desiree` Magee

Management Material

While she was still very young a girl came to speak with her Maker. "What is it you seek?" He inquired of her. "I seek wisdom," she replied. "I wish to be a beacon of strength and light not equal to or greater than my Creator. I seek to be an example to others." She felt this pleased Him as she heard His voice at that moment in a song saying "You can do anything you want to." and so she rose to begin her challenge.
He presented to her Solomon's ring and said "Stay careful." He then removed the thin veil away from her eyes so she could not claim misunderstanding (that is to not see).

Goals: Attitude, Confidence, and Patience.

- Desiree` Magee

Crack

You've given me the fire
Who knew it'd be you
I recall so well how easy it can be now
All the pieces of my craft come together

So you say you can hear me while the door is open
I'll be standing here commanding you to get it together
You'll pull away, you might come close
But you'll still be anaware
Babbling through the closed door

What could I possibly say?
Why put in the effort?
Perhaps I should lift my arms and twirl away
Spinning to a Voice that's got everything on you

So you say you can hear me while the door is open
I'll be standing here commanding you to get it together
You'll pull away, you might come close
But you'll still be anaware
Babbling through the closed door

- Desiree` Magee

Silence is Loud

So, yea it's pretty annoying, all these...people...People who think they know, who keep talking and talking and never listening, accusing, almost immediately dismissing anything else that could possibly show light, anything else that isn't what they want to cling to, yea that. It's pretty damn annoying. And quite frankly IIIIIII......am...not gonna do it anymore. No, I have pretty much had it pass my head and the ceiling and I'm diving for the drain. It's not gonna be like it was before with any one until I cross paths with someone who can actually hold a candle to my own. Not going to waste what I got, I'm no longer handing out the flyers that say "How About This?" with a look on my face that says "Please hear me" And what's more is that each time I'm like a bomb shell, BOOM, in your face and then I'm gone because I either walked away from you or you abandoned me but as I go you're remembering everything and I'll be the one you'll never forget.

Because that's what He designed me to be.

But, it's cool, it's cool, keep walking, keep thinking, keep talking, hold your hands over your ears and pretend to be the only one listening when you're just as blind as all those you accuse but in another way. Keep running from reality and put your blame on me so you can sleep through the night - or so you thought. And, of course continue believing that you aren't the issue and that the world is against you, because every day of your life couldn't possibly be yours to screw up all on your own.

The day will come and I'll be there and because of my heart I won't dare say "I told you so" because He'll prove that without my help.

Deprived human beings piss me off.

Is it a sin to proclaim that thank God I'm blessed with truer decernment? Because I know I am.

Oh, my head seems to ache a bit... must be all that thinking I don't do.

L

O

L
!!!

Incredible.

- Desiree` Magee

Puffer Fish

I went for a swim with a puffer fish. And he was everything I needed from the water.
He introduced his reef to me and I shared mine with him.
Together we journeyed through the waters, zooming to the surface to leap out and in again.

When night fell he stayed close beside me and gestured his ways to me.
When I swam away he would find me again. And when he strayed I would follow.
He never left me alone.

When I teased or taunted him he sometimes would puff up.
I could reach the flesh inbetween the barbs or keep a distance until he deflated.
But he always knew I held him so dear.

We carried many secrets together and we crossed out all our goals.
Other fish passing by knew we stood for the waters...and they desired what we had.
On and on during our swim my puffer fish and I gained each other;
Toward the end of our swim we had become one.

When time came for us to rest we settled on our reef we had created together.
As time ticked on we recalled all our discoveries from our long swim.
Soon after we each fell asleep.
When we awoke we found each other
And went to share all our tales from our swim with the One who put us in the sea together.

- Desiree` Magee

Lingering "Boss"

I’m feeling the sting again. Everyday is a business of keeping focus while maintaining the thoughts that still dwell and the hurt that is still very much alive. Once the dust from the day settles and I’m calm again the emotions, the hurt and the anger re-surface. And why do I care so much? Why does it still hurt that this weaker person came into my life three times before when things for me were going well and then threw everything out of kilter? I feel so very thrown away and forgotten about. Perhaps if I had gotten pregnant and bore three children I would have been wanted as much as she still is. Although I would have kept my word when she threw hers, it all away but yet I’m the one who was abandoned each time. But maybe it was simply…him. Possibly he is the reason she wanted out.

And just maybe I wasn’t simply thrown away…but spared.

　

- Desiree` Magee

Theft

Somehow you got in
I was caught by surprise while you stood there waiting to get me from behind
Panicking I fought to get rid of you
Because it was mine and didn’t belong to you

“No, no, no!”
It’s not supposed to be this way!
Not you, not you!
No, please no
Your breath in my face with no escape
I can’t take that it’s you, not you!

You see I’m broken
Recoiling inward mourning what you stole, seeming absent minded as you move for the door
Why should it ever be followed by this sickness?
I scream when I remember it was you who did it

“No, no, no!”
It’s not supposed to be this way!
Not you, not you!
No, please no
Your breath in my face with no escape
I can’t take that it’s you, not you!

- Desiree` Magee

Chapa Ace

In regards to sex: Marriage is like an organization of a type. There is an initiation phase in which you are required to undergo specific tasks and tests in the attempt to demonstrate whether or not you have what it takes to be accepted into the specific institution (dating).

Once you’ve proven yourself there comes the ceremony in which your peers witness your making of oaths to uphold your loyalty to the specific sole organization (wedding).

After you have been sworn in you now, like members before you, have the pleasure of taking part in certain benefits as rights of your dedication and accomplishments (sex!).

　

All this now having been explained I ask you, gentlemen, why should I allow any un-sworn members into my specific association without having first gone through the initiation process and the taking of oaths to uphold the institution thereafter?

　

All who have what it takes to accomplish the above requirements please inquire in person. All others need not apply.

　

Thank you. That is all.

 

- Desiree` Magee

Fun Game

I want you gone, I want you dead

I want your act bleached out of my head

I want to take your hand to my teeth

Then step back once to watch you bleed

　

You tried me for the last time

If you came back now I’d be blind

But far away I’m safe from you

You and your misery confused

　

Toying with another…

　

You threw everything to the air

Then like a coward left me there

Like a coward you ran away

Just like a coward, say, say, say

　

I want you gone, I want you dead

I want your act bleached out of my head

I want to sink my teeth in your hand

And watch you bleed, watch you bleed

　

Because you toyed with another

You toyed with another

You toyed with another

And like a coward you flee again

You toyed with another

You toyed with another

You toyed with my heart again

Like a coward

　

You tried me for the last time

If you came back now I know I’d be blind

But far away I’m safe from you now

You and your misery confusing and confusing

You toyed with another again

A coward ran away

Because you toyed with another

Then couldn’t take what I should say

Like the coward you are

Toying with my heart

You tried me for the last time

But damned I’ll be because if you came back now I’d be blind…

　

Desiree` Magee