I have come to realise...that...I...am a sucker for love. It's true. Yes, I ...hone in on a certain guy, I day dream about him, I create feelings for him, and I long for him alone. I have only once in my life had two crushes at the same time. I am so loyal to a point that I won't even cheat on my crushes, lol! And unfortunately I have possibly misguided myself of the term "in love" in that because of this singling out I believe he means something truer to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my feelings for any one guy in my past were false. I'm simply saying that I feel something inside and I make it grow. I encourage my heart to love him and cherish him and adore him more. Thus far there has only been one man in my past that I felt a pure and honest affection and loyalty for and even to this day I am not angry with how he treated me in our end. But I let those natural feeling - though improper - consume me and so I allowed them to become even greater than perhaps I possibly even felt. I did love him and quite honestly I still do. But perhaps...just maybe...I didn't love him AS much as I thought I did. Perhaps the greater feelings were simply encouraged by myself and with the help of the enemy of this world who's bent on bringing us all down. The question I am attempting to build up to is How will I know when the right man comes along!? If I fall head over heels with the boy in 4th period, or my brothers friend, or the guy with the guitar, the manager at work, and, yes, the boy at IHOP how will I know when my feelings are genuine for a man?? Will I feel even more enthralled when I fall for him? Or is this just who I am - a puzzle piece in need of the puzzle piece that fits. That thought makes me kinda sad, though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates. It just makes me kinda sad, because I want to believe I was made FOR him, and not simply to FIT with him. I want to believe my understand was placed in his heart at conception as his was placed with mine. Or could my failed relations have shaped me to be the woman he needs or his failed relations shape him as well? of the whole I'm still the same heart I was years ago. All that's really changed is experience. I now know how to do what I could before but even better and vice versa. Granted, my first love took the brunt of my negative passions and thus showed me how not to treat someone. My second love required much patience and fragility which helped tame the negative passions more so and instilled a sense of how to truely love and care for someone. And my 3rd love...well...I'm not sure what to say there. I'm not entirely sure what he taught me about me so far. Perhaps his purpose was to teach me not about myself, but about men such as him ingeneral - that what they say and believe does not reflect what they will display in their actions and decisions. That just because a man glorifies the woman you are with his words does not mean he'll glorify you with his loyalty and security. I suppose my 3rd love taught me to watch out for the world of the types of men who may or may not mean well, but regardless who will turn from you, leave you alone, and generally neglect you. Perhaps the reason I can't see any possible teachings this has about who I am is because I may still be blinded by anger for how I felt he tricked me and abandoned me. I suppose my 3rd love came as close to the man I am searching for and the true lesson to learn hear was just because he seems 'it' doesn't mean he is 'it' - even if he says he is.
As for Tyler...well...there's just another dead end, I suppose. Really I was hesitant about him in the first place. He is very sweet and very adorable, but he seems like he has a ways to go spiritually before he could measure up to any kind of spiritual leader I would need as a Christian woman. So it remains - Here I am. Desiree'. Feeling all on my own. Needing my 'Adam' to serve and love and cherish and adore and hoping this time I'll meet the man who will treat me the same way....* sigh* .... Hey, so J, what's that news guy's name anyway...??
- Desiree` Magee
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