Right now, this night, in this very moment and the seconds before and the minutes after and possibly tomorrow and the rest of this week, month, year, maybe from here on out till the day i forget your name completely and forget your face, even if it means giving up all i've worked for (after all i wouldn't know any better), after the misery and anger and jealosy and bitterness and sadness and loneliness and useless efforts and wasted time and pointless chances i took and words i sacrificed, the words i gave away, feeling your slap in my face over and over, your incredible disrespect to all i am and all i'll always be and more. After everything else i've failed to mention even when you're not around and i still feel all the emotions clouding my brain, raping my happiness, holding myself to this ball and chain, thinking on the absurdity of it all constantly, allowing more and more wood on the fire that never seems to stop blazing - i feel angry at myself, i feel angry at you, and i want to hate you for everything you are, everything you aren't, everything you will never be, all the shit you say, all the lies you said, all the ballsy comments and the pathetic attempts to build yourself up when you've never been nothing more than a weak and pitiful human being that so many say the exact same thing about, because you simply suck as a person and only give a shit about someone when they do for you and you don't give a damn to do for anyone else - after the memories burned into my minds eye, the moments i wanted to make myself feel something but couldnt so didn't, realizing the bad times out-weighed the good and at the end of everyday you were treated like royalty while i lie alone on the floor, eating the scraps from the table while you ate with your guests and sometimes when no one was looking you came to see me, feeling everyday like i allowed you to make me this angry person because i trusted you and i believed in you and you never thought anymore of me than a mere foot stool to get you away from what little dirt was around you, i let you manipiulate my heart and lie to my face and i gave in to feel sorry for you when it was you all along who was the problem - after everything i've ever felt and will feel forever on this earth i want to hate you and i wish i never met you, i wish i had found another way or nothing and all and i never saw you, heard you, tasted you, and felt you, i wish you were never real to me, never even conceivable in my mind that i would be apart of something so against myself - i wish i never met you and i never knew anything about you, and i still had a discontent for your unoriginal name. maybe i'll feel different tomorrow, but tonight i wish i never met you. And I have no one but myself to blame.
- Desiree` Magee
No comments:
Post a Comment