It's Nothing, but Which?

Standing on a checker board I’m crying “Which way to my King!?” How am I to conquer through this? With the death of my God how can I live? Now I question all I’ve ever lived for. Who then will I run to when hurt touches my fragile heart? It’s like wanting to run to my father in the next room when my brother picks on me, but he’s no longer living and I almost forgot. Then my heart drops. Who will hear me when I cry for the pain to cease? It’s like running to find my mother to patch my wound, but I remember she left and is not coming back so I’m on my own to bandage myself. Who will be there waiting for me to run to with tears slipping from my eyes asking “Why did they do this to me?” It’s being trapped, locked in a school yard of bullies with no teacher there to protect me. With no one standing there or no one who cares to there is nothing more to know than I am truly alone. All alone I’ll mend my own wounds and cry to my own heart for healing, to a body that heals with it’s immune system, to skin that covers over old scratches and penetrations. All alone I’ll find my inner self which is nothing more than a human soul searching for a Creator, a Lover of my soul. And now I’m told…He’s not real. So my pride wells up more than before and I’ve yet to get on my knees, but I ask “Who are you?” With the death of my God I know comes the death of myself and everything I know. It changes everything. If there isn’t a healer and no joy giver what more am I than food for the animals and a punching bag for the ugly? Am I doomed to be trapped in this courtyard with angry people who dine on my insecurities and favor my tears of hatred and sadness? What more is there to live for if I have no leader to report to, no comforter to praise? What is there to work for if there will be no salvation for me in the end? How can I continue on without knowing who is there if there is anyone at all? I want the god I know, the god I cried to, the god I believed in. How can I give my heart to anyone else after dreaming of Him and loving Him? Were all our conversations one sided? Were all my efforts feudal as I did what my heart could only accept? I return with a cloud knowing the demon of this is waiting for me and I cry alone in my bed wishing my God would come back to me and this would all go away, restoring my soul to the place I called proper. Is it better to seek earnestly after truth and fact or is blindness a gift? Was I blind? Is this all real? With no pre-destined goals and rewards and no true purpose of love, with no protector to guide my heart, no friend to calm my fears, no true Lover to love me for all I am and the grace to look past all I’m not how can I do anything else but to just let myself die?

 

- Desiree` Magee