This is an email I sent to my mother:
"(My ex) got online last night and we started talking. Eventually he busted out with his typical "are you here yet"s. I told him he would be shocked when I actually showed. He said he wouldn't and was now going out to the garage and would be waiting. I told him I would think about it. So I went outside to pray and asked God to put a heavy conviction on me if He didn't want me to go. I waited and from that prayer all the way to (my ex's) house I felt pretty confident. I get there...knock on the garage...his window...even the front door. Nothing. Sure enough I felt like a complete fool as I walked back to my car.
When I got home I sent him a message (he wasn't online anymore) telling him what I had just done and that I felt like a jackass for doing it.
This morning he wakes me with a message saying he is so sorry and did wait for a little bit, but thought he was being silly thinking I would actually show and went on to bed. I didn't, after all tell him I was coming. So being the forgiving and understanding (and possibly stupid) me I told him I've been there too and no big. I light heartedly told him he owed me for gas money, though I wasn't joking and told him I wanted him to cook for me or buy me food. He said there was nothing in the house, not even bread and anything they had he ate last night. I told him I was serious. Then he says "all this talk is making me want to smoke. brb"
While he's gone I told him to think of another way to repay me then. Then I offered to supply the goods if he put forth the effort to prepare them... 30 minutes passed and he never came back to his computer. I said "Dude. Really? You're going on thirty minutes. I get the feeling you don't take me too seriously." A few seconds after that IM his name changes to "Offline."
So being my (hopelessly) optimistic self at first I think "Okay, well maybe his computer is acting up and kicked him off (earlier in our conversation his name kept going on and offline). So I wait....nothing...then I think, okay, perhaps, maybe, possibly he asked his uncle to borrow his truck to come surprise me! or borrowed his mom's car! or maybe even called his friend up who is holding his truck for him to go get his truck to come see me on his own!!.....he wouldn't do this to me...would he...?.....?...
"Desiree`, Desiree`, Desiree`...really??"
His last message was received at 9:53am and he has not come back online nor showed over here. "Desiree`" I say to myself or perhaps it was the Lords' voice "Just let go."
I sent him this message a few minutes ago:
"Move on with your life. Have a Merry Christmas and I will say a prayer for you. Maybe I'll see you around some day."
and the subject line is titled "its over".
I'm going to wait a little longer till I delete him from my friends list for good because I want him to see my latest status' because it brings the blame on him. I don't want there to be any confusion.
I keep sitting here thinking 'Well, maybe he just laid down and fell back asleep! After all, he apparently didn't get much since he woke up around 9am!' then I think 'Do I really want to give time to a guy who thinks so little of me that he can't even keep himself awake long enough to make things right with yet another disappointment on his part?'
So. That's that. For a while I was speechless and although my feelings were hurt I felt generally jaded. He's pulled so much on me that I practically expect him to let me down every time. And that's why I didn't want to talk earlier. I had so many thoughts battling in my head I didn't want to talk to anyone just then..
I don't understand why God didn't convict my heart into not going over there in the first place. Perhaps He wanted to reveal further to me how I just need to stay away from this self-centered person because in fact he is the only thing he is thinking of right now. And his "love" for me if it's not a complete fraud will certainly never be enough, never ever be enough."
- Desiree` Magee
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